Browsing tag: sex

  • Fix The Physical

    Treasure chastity. (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 64)

    The obvious difference between a rule written for monks and a rule for married couples is that whereas monks take a vow of celibacy, married couples take a vow of sex.  A Christian marriage requires sex with the same person until death.  Not continuously, of course.  It’s not death by sex.  But in a society with long life spans, sooner or later you’ll face what everyone else does: DD (Domestic Doldrums), the long-drawn ho-hum humdrum.  Your sex life will vary between BTN sex (Better Than Nothing) and NON sex (Now Or Never).

    If you’re dissatisfied, the thing to realize is that only you have this problem.  Everyone else has ecstatic sex daily.  Only you are stuck with an ordinary human being.

    Whatever is wrong with your spouse, feel free to describe it eloquently to God in prayer.  He’s the one who designed the prototype.  He knows what to do to fix it.  But your prayer should begin with thanks: “Thank you God for [name of spouse].  Thank you for BTN and NON.  Thank you for the orgasm I had the other day.  [Was it an orgasm?].  I know I’ve got it BTMP (Better Than Most People).  However, […].”

    Be careful what you say to your spouse.  Human memories are more tenacious than human feelings.  Once you say it, you can’t erase it from your spouse’s brain, even if you’re ok now.  Don’t go complaining to everyone else, either.  It may be true.  It may also be a shabby thing to say in public.

    The goal of the husband and wife is to remain happily married.  In order to stay both married and happy, they need a sex life that is not a form of martyrdom.  In order to have a satisfactory sex life, she needs to be able to enjoy it.  For her to enjoy it, he needs to figure out how the female body functions.  This is tricky, because he can’t get any practice time in if she never feels like trying.  Then again, if he is clumsy, clueless or out of control, why would she ever want to?  Or maybe they just need to change things up. Or try actually going to bed at the same time.

    Don’t wait for passion to return.  Passion is like the booster rocket that propels you into outer space, then falls back to earth, never to be retrieved.  From then on, you’d better know what you’re doing.  The reactor on board is supposed to provide all your power.  It’s a notoriously finicky design, and everyone has problems with it.  Do not skip regular maintenance.  Do not ignore warning lights. You don’t want to be the ones floating aimlessly in the void because the power went out.  You don’t want to be the ones who suddenly explode into smithereens, when no one else even realized there was a problem.  Sex isn’t everything, but it’s the only thing you’re not allowed to outsource.  Only the two of you can keep it in working order.

    The world will tell you that to get the thrill back, you’ve got to unscrew all the stops.  But they’ve got something wrong, because they keep losing pressure.  They have to do worse and worse things to get a jolt out of the system.  And they don’t even try to take care of each other.  No love, no laughs, no one noticing when you’re gone.

    The Christian premise, on the other hand is that you’ve got to keep the unit sealed tight.  The pressure will build back up, and eventually you’ll find yourself considering sex with the person you married.  This might involve taking the initiative to negotiate and implement changes.  Or maybe you know what you need to do, but you’ve been too […] to make the effort.

    What’s all this about work?  You thought you were relaxing on a cruise, not joining the navy.  You can unseal the hatches and bail: one last thrill before Judgment Day.

    On your spiral down you’ll pass the clunker you never thought would make it, still rattling along.  You don’t even want to know what they do to keep that thing going. Married couple sex? They must have figured something out.

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  • Refrain From Adultery

    …not to commit adultery Romans 13:9 ;Exodus 20:14.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4.4)

    Adultery–who does it with whom, when, where and with what consequences–is an endlessly fascinating topic for all societies, and in the literatures of all languages.  Adultery is interesting.  Same old same old is boring.  Bored people commit adultery.

    You may not think of yourself as bored.  You may think of yourself as interesting but unappreciated.  Never mind.  You still don’t have to turn into the sort of person who commits adultery just for the thrill of it.  Cultivate variety in your life–in other areas.  Take on interesting challenges.  Set ambitious goals. Find something other than sex that motivates you.  Find something other than yourself that holds your attention.

    But what if you’re really tempted?  What if your marriage has degenerated to the point where there’s nothing much left: no camaraderie, no communication, no sex.  What if you don’t even see your spouse, most of the time?  And then you meet someone attractive: someone you enjoy looking at, or talking to, or both.

    Do nothing.  Adultery is not a sin that you’re going to commit inadvertently.  No doubt someone, somewhere has committed adultery by mistake, distracted by something else.  But for most people, this particular transgression involves planning, or at least a series of conscious actions.  There needs to be communication, maneuvering, overcoming of obstacles.  That’s why it’s interesting.  If it were just the pull of inertia, you might as well go home to your spouse and save yourself the part where your kids cry themselves to sleep every night.

    If, like everyone else who has ever had a job, you meet someone attractive at work, the do-nothing rule will ensure that no one even knows how you feel, because most people’s jobs do not pay them to express their feelings about their coworkers.

    What if you’re required to attend one of those seminars where total strangers goad people into sharing their impressions of each other?

    If you’re clever enough to have that sort of job, you’re clever enough to think of something noncommittal to say.

    What if it’s not a co-worker, but someone you interact with socially: the spouse of a friend; the parent of your child’s friend; someone from long before you were ever married?  The possibilities are endless, and there’s no question that some situations are poignant.  You may be attracted to someone whom you have every reason to respect and like, whom you cannot avoid interacting with, and whom you genuinely care about.  Still, if you do nothing, you won’t commit adultery.

    The do-nothing rule doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard.  To refrain from the action that you could take is the spiritual equivalent of isometric muscular contractions.  Nothing moves, and no one sees anything happening, but it’s very hard to sustain over time.  This is why you need an active outlet for your frustrations: because in tense situations, doing nothing becomes unbearable.

    What if it’s not about a relationship at all?  It’s just sex.  Your spouse can’t keep up with you; is absent, ill, or somewhere else along the spectrum from unwilling to repulsive.

    It’s still adultery.  No, it’s not the same as a massage.

    What if you never touch another human body?  If it’s online? A really old porn video and everyone in it is dead already?

    Jesus suggests chopping off your right hand (Matthew 5:29-30).  If you’re left-handed, you might have to go for the other side.  But before you try mutilation, you might try improving your relationship with your spouse.  Improving your relationship may not mean improving your spouse.  It may mean improving something else in your life to make your relationship more enjoyable.

    And you must pray.  “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil” Matthew 6:13.  Your situation no matter how miserable is not tragic, because God is faithful and will answer prayers.  More specifically, he answers the prayers of people who do the right thing James 5:16.  So, do clamor to God to get you out of the situation you’re in and into a better one.  Maybe you need a seismic shift.  God can do seismic shifts.  Maybe you need a new job, a new town, a miracle–love?

    Don’t be surprised that you feel devoid of love.  Everyone gets there.  Not if, but when you’re out of love, turn to God, the source of love, and ask him to give you love for your spouse.  Of course, you have to find within yourself at least a faint wish to love your spouse.  You may need to ask for that first.

    It may not feel like the excitement you want.  It may feel, instead, like the tide imperceptibly flowing in and lifting your beached boat off the sandbar.

     

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