Browsing tag: principle

  • Cultivate Fairness

    The abbot should avoid all favoritism in the monastery…. But the abbot is free, if he sees fit, to change anyone’s rank as justice demands…. God shows no partiality among persons Romans 2:11. Only in this are we distinguished in his sight: if we are found better than others in good works and in humility. Therefore, the abbot is to show equal love to everyone and apply the same discipline to all according to their merits. (Rule of St. Benedict 2.16-22)

    It’s not that you love one more than the other. It’s just that you like them all better when they’re asleep. Each of your children can be difficult to deal with, for different reasons. But each one also has qualities that you want to cultivate. Each one thrives in a unique way.

    But with all sorts of variability in the details, the same principles should apply to everyone. This includes you too. Encourage good habits, but be cautious about proclaiming absolute laws, because your children will soon be clever enough to interpret them and apply them to you in ways that you never thought of. You’ll excuse younger children from certain tasks that are beyond their ability (but those will be the jobs they really, really want). You’ll exempt older children from restrictions that are no longer needed at their age (but expect them to relapse in the face of responsibility).

    Even if you aim to keep the same standard for boys and girls, you may find that divergence in practice is preferable for all concerned. For example, a boy should not be excused from cleaning up the kitchen because he’s a boy. But if he’d rather pick up dog poop out of the yard, why not let him? A girl shouldn’t be allowed to primp in front of the mirror indefinitely because she’s a girl. But if she manages to get dressed on time in skirt and fancy shoes, with her hair done by herself, doesn’t she deserve the accessible seat in the car?

    If one child puts away the dishes unasked, while everyone else runs away, it is fair to praise that one, and to call attention to the difference in behavior. The other children are sure to speak up and inform you of whatever unacknowledged contribution they have made too.

    Sometimes parents begin to favor one child over the others because circumstances dictate this trend; or because one child is needier; or one child is more demanding. It is fair for parents to halt this trajectory and to impose limitations. Explain to the children that your goal is to be equitable. They can be smarter than you are at figuring out ways to achieve a fair balance, and sometimes you discover that their priorities are different from yours. Encourage them when they bring you novel solutions. Let them negotiate terms with each other. Why not?

    Actual favoritism is more insidious and has to do with identity issues on the part of the parent. Sometimes a parent will favor the child who embodies an ideal. For example, a mother may favor the daughter who is everything she wishes she could have been, when she was a girl. The other daughter, who resembles her in other ways (maybe with traits that she dislikes about herself) becomes the inferior one. Both daughters are hobbled as a result: one by the tangled expectation of success; the other by the cutting expectation of failure.

    We arrive at Christian identity in a different way. Our relationship to Christ is analogical. Only Jesus is the definition of God as man. But each one of us is an example of God at work in a human being.

    To realize this is to let drop the heavy burden of idealism. Jesus promises that his Holy Spirit is at work within us to develop the traits God desires. We participate in this process voluntarily, and yes, it is a lot of work. But it’s not the work of desperation. This is because our confidence is not in our own efforts but in the promise of God.

    We can also be confident that God is at work in each of our children. No matter what trials they face, no handicap is insurmountable in an ultimate sense. We grieve when we see them suffer. But we remain confident that God is working out some good purpose in each one. So we don’t flog them on to perform, if they have the traits associated with success. Nor do we abandon hope for them, if they have other traits. The journey of faith includes the assurance that there is no ultimate cause for anxiety, no matter what challenges we face together right now.

    Sibling dynamics movie suggestions: Rain Man (1988); Unbroken (2014); Sense and Sensibility (1995); Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986); Little Women (1994); A River Runs Through It (1992).

     

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  • Be A Good Model

    Therefore, the abbot must never teach or decree or command anything that would deviate from the Lord’s instructions (Rule of St. Benedict 2.4)

    Neither should parents. Maybe you fail to hit the bull’s eye, but at least you aim for the target. Your children will imitate whatever they see you do. This means that if your son sees you aiming for the bull’s eye, he’ll aim too. And sometimes he turns out to be a much better shot than you are. But you’re the one who points the way. Parents are role models for their children.

    Then at last the sheep that have rebelled against his care will be punished by the overwhelming power of death (RB 2.10).

    No! Not eternal death! As a parent, you’re responsible to turn away from the hot door with the smoke seeping around it. Don’t imagine that your children wouldn’t follow you through it. You no longer have the option to ruin only your own life. Even if there’s not always an exit marked FUN, your job is to find one marked POSSIBLE.  Sometimes it opens on a deep, daunting stairwell with many steps. But in this passageway are extraordinary people with far worse injuries than yours who still have the courage to go on. Follow them.

    Furthermore, anyone who receives the name of abbot is to lead his disciples by a twofold teaching: he must point out to them all that is good and holy more by example than by words, proposing the commandments of the Lord to receptive disciples with words, but demonstrating God’s instructions . . . by a living example.  Again, if he teaches his disciples that something is not to be done, then neither must he do it (RB 2.11-13).

    Mimetic human beings copy each other, even when they have no idea what’s going on (René Girard). Children especially copy their parents–maybe not now, but thirty years from now, when they face your situation and have no model for how to react except how you react today. If there’s a contradiction between what you tell your children and what you actually do, they will have to untangle your mess. So do everyone a favor and try to be consistent.

    How is it that you can see a splinter in your brother’s eye, and never notice the plank in your own? Matthew 7:3 (RB 2.15)

    Whatever else you aim for, realize that the most important model you offer your children is the marriage of their parents.  The hardest part of marriage is handing to God the defects of your spouse and focusing instead on fixing your own flaws.  Each one of us should work on prying out the stake impaled through our own eyeball, so that when our spouse needs help with a splinter, we’ll be half blind but mobile.  If spouses each have one functioning eye and a hygienic patch, together they’ll have the perspective they need to guide their children.

    And yet, we do want to find ways to encourage our spouse to change for the better… One tactic is to sit down for an explicit swap talk, when each spouse gets to pick one thing (only one thing!) that you want the other person to work on. This is tricky, because the unhappiest person is going to ask for a more difficult change. The other spouse can feel hurt at the criticism and may not have an equally painful request to swap with. But don’t worry: what goes around comes around. Today, you’re the one who must make a huge effort, because your spouse can’t stand to be around you anymore. In a few years, the roles will be reversed. Your turn will come to ask, and the fact that you did try will give you more influence.

    It makes all the difference in how you feel about someone if you can see that the person is trying. The thing that’s so infuriating is to feel that you’re stuck with someone whose defect is making your life miserable and who stubbornly refuses to do anything about it. You start to think that the only solution is to escape from the marriage itself. But if you see your spouse attempting to do what you asked, you can feel sympathy instead of disgust. You can hope that life will get better.  

    It’s up to you to decide whether the story of your family will be a comedy or a tragedy.

    Hint: movies about imperfect families finding ways to work things out are always comedies. Some classics worth revisiting: Overboard; Meet The Parents; Father of the Bride; It’s a Wonderful Life; Mr. Mom; About a Boy; Three Men and a Cradle; The Family Man.

     

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