Browsing tag: love

  • Love Your Enemies

    Love your enemies (Matthew 5:43-48; Luke 6: 27-35).  (RB 4. 31)

    Loving your enemies sounds like a nice idea until you actually have enemies yourself.

    An enemy is not merely someone with whom you disagree.  You can disagree with your friends passionately and perpetually.

    Nor is an enemy an opponent in a game.  An opponent recognizes the same rules you do.

    “Love does no wrong to a neighbor” (Romans 13:10), but your enemies will accuse you anyway, even if you haven’t done anything to harm them.  They insult and threaten you when you had no thought of interfering with them at all.  An enemy is someone who acts on the intent to wrong you.

    As Christians, if we must love our enemies, and if love does no wrong to a neighbor, we cannot ourselves be anyone’s enemy, can we?

    So the enemy is not our neighbor. . . .  Aha!

    Nope.  The parable of the Good Samaritan shows that we must be good neighbors to everyone, even longstanding enemies.

    Maybe we’ve misunderstood love.  God is love, but God is not our slave.  Neither are we enslaved to those we love. A Christian concept of love is essentially voluntary.  Love ends where coercion begins.

    Christian love does set aside the self-interest of the moment for the good of the other person.  But the good of the other person is not always what that person demands.  When someone wants something that is not good, you say no, for love’s sake.

    Love yields and sacrifices, but love is not suicidal.  God is the one who called you into being.  Therefore you must exist, and this may include resistance.

    We know that “the Lord disciplines those he loves” (Hebrews 12:6; Proverbs 3:12).  Therefore a Christian concept of love includes setting boundaries and enforcing standards.  Without wronging anyone, you can communicate that you find the insults offensive and the threats alarming.  Make sure your enemies realize how they’re affecting you.  Sometimes people don’t know that they’re hurting you.  It may be that your enemy is not a beast.

    So give the benefit of the doubt.  Make space.  Swim away.  There’s room enough in the ocean for both of you.

    If, after you’ve peaceably turned away from a fight, your enemy pursues you, intent on dominating you wherever you may be, it is time to enforce the principle at issue.  Whatever rule you enforce on your enemy must be one that you yourself are abiding by.  To govern your own behavior by the same standards that you apply to others is one aspect of loving your neighbor as yourself.  And the standard you try to live by was not invented by you.  For example: loving your enemy.

    Like animals, humans will usually decide it’s not worth the trouble of bothering you, once they discover that you’re peaceable when left alone but determined to defend yourself when attacked.  There are occasions when Christians are inspired by the Holy Spirit to set aside their right to self-defense, imitating Christ’s sacrifice.  But no human being has the authority to require someone else’s self-sacrifice.  And if you’re the only one standing between your enemy and someone weaker than yourself, love may require that you fight.

    There may come a time when your enemy is too big for you to handle alone.  In this situation, escape is what you should aim for.  Escape first, and then work on making new friends, so you’re not alone next time.  A cohesive group is unappealing to aggressors.  They’re looking for vulnerable singletons to pick off.

    If only this were the end of it.  We could take a break, go home, be safe.  But sometimes strangers are not the problem.  The enemy is someone close.  Does loving your enemy include suffering wrongs at the hands of the one you love?  These are deep waters, and murky.  Explain the situation to a kind stranger. There are times when it’s the stranger who is your friend.

    And then there’s the enemy who used to love you.  This is the one who will break your heart.  Why did this person despise your devotion and turn against you, treating you with contempt?  There’s nothing quite like the distress of loving the enemy who once was dear.  The world seethes with ex-spouses, ex-lovers and so many other exes who are now enemies.

    On an ordinary day without tragedy, loving any of them comes down to treating people well who do not reciprocate your efforts.  Converse cheerfully with complainers.  Keep calm during a hostile confrontation.  Patiently put up with irritations.  Kindly share with those who’ve been selfish.  Remain reliable even with those who are deceitful.  Retain self-control around those who’ve rejected discipline. Intercede for those who’ve wronged you.

    God himself promises to reward us if we behave well toward those who behave badly toward us.  Nothing anyone can say will ever make this easy, but the Holy Spirit can make it possible.

     

     

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  • Bear Injuries Patiently

    Do not repay one bad turn with another 1 Thessalonians 5:15; 1 Peter 3:9.  Do not injure anyone, but bear injuries patiently.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 29-30)

    First of all, bearing injuries patiently is not a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of goodness.  Only the strong bear up. Only the good restrain themselves when evil beckons, because evil is not their master.

    Secondly, this principle isn’t about defending yourself in the moment of attack.  You have the right to self-defense.  This is about the aftermath: now what? Why did God let a bad thing happen?

    Weak people fall apart and lash out at everyone around them as they disintegrate.  For a brief moment, they enjoy an experience of power: the power to destroy.  There’s something appealing about power, even when you know it’s fleeting, even when you know it’s hateful.  The Church calls this appeal the glamor of evil.  As Christians we reject it, along with Satan and all his works.

    On the other hand, strong people hold themselves together, hold on to what they know is good and hold out for what they know is right.  Sometimes they hang on by their fingernails.  As Christians this is the character we aspire to, and God knows it’s hard.  Sometimes the path leads straight up the face of a cliff.

    Why does God let bad things happen? You can be on the right path and still fall and get hurt.  Getting hurt doesn’t mean that God is against you.  It means that there’s an inherent risk to living at all.  You were thrust into existence without being consulted.  But now that you’re here, you’re free to venture your all for the good.  The promise of Christ is that ultimately your venture will pay off.  Death is not the end.

    People who have only this world to live for figure that nothing they do matters.  But the Christian message is that everything you do matters, even the tiny things.  For instance, even a small gesture of kindness counts in the sight of God.  He is always at work everywhere for good, and he invites you to participate in that work, wherever you are, whoever you are.

    But you are free to reject his offer.  You can rage against your Creator.  He allowed evil into this world, and now you can increase the sum of evil.

    However, know that if you choose for what is right and true and good, God is on your side, even if everything else in the universe is against you.  And he promises that the pain will last only as long as this life.  Moreover, you will emerge into peace for eternity.

    Meanwhile, there’s everything we have to face in this moment in time.  Sometimes we can’t understand why God does what he does.  Why does he hurt us?  Why make us stay in place in a corner with a cone around our necks?  We didn’t do anything wrong!  So heave a big sigh and wait: maybe something good will come along next.

    Don’t fret.  Don’t chew on your hurt and make it worse.  Instead, save your energy for the good you can do.  If the path before you is clear, and if you have the strength, get up every day and keep going.  Be patient.  Bear up.  There’s no quick fix to any killer problem, and you will encounter many problems along the way.

    Most importantly, when you’ve honestly done everything you can do, then stand firm and wait for God himself to act on your behalf. If you can’t stand up anymore, sit down.  If even sitting up is too much, lie still and be who you are where you are.  There’s a time to let people who love you take care of you. You’re not alone in this.  Fix sad eyes on your Maker.  Remain alert to his call.

    An injury can happen in an instant.  The healing takes a long, long time.  It saps all the strength you’ve got. Why does God let bad things happen?

    We don’t understand why yet. Healing is your job now.  We want you back.

     

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  • Refrain From Adultery

    …not to commit adultery Romans 13:9 ;Exodus 20:14.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4.4)

    Adultery–who does it with whom, when, where and with what consequences–is an endlessly fascinating topic for all societies, and in the literatures of all languages.  Adultery is interesting.  Same old same old is boring.  Bored people commit adultery.

    You may not think of yourself as bored.  You may think of yourself as interesting but unappreciated.  Never mind.  You still don’t have to turn into the sort of person who commits adultery just for the thrill of it.  Cultivate variety in your life–in other areas.  Take on interesting challenges.  Set ambitious goals. Find something other than sex that motivates you.  Find something other than yourself that holds your attention.

    But what if you’re really tempted?  What if your marriage has degenerated to the point where there’s nothing much left: no camaraderie, no communication, no sex.  What if you don’t even see your spouse, most of the time?  And then you meet someone attractive: someone you enjoy looking at, or talking to, or both.

    Do nothing.  Adultery is not a sin that you’re going to commit inadvertently.  No doubt someone, somewhere has committed adultery by mistake, distracted by something else.  But for most people, this particular transgression involves planning, or at least a series of conscious actions.  There needs to be communication, maneuvering, overcoming of obstacles.  That’s why it’s interesting.  If it were just the pull of inertia, you might as well go home to your spouse and save yourself the part where your kids cry themselves to sleep every night.

    If, like everyone else who has ever had a job, you meet someone attractive at work, the do-nothing rule will ensure that no one even knows how you feel, because most people’s jobs do not pay them to express their feelings about their coworkers.

    What if you’re required to attend one of those seminars where total strangers goad people into sharing their impressions of each other?

    If you’re clever enough to have that sort of job, you’re clever enough to think of something noncommittal to say.

    What if it’s not a co-worker, but someone you interact with socially: the spouse of a friend; the parent of your child’s friend; someone from long before you were ever married?  The possibilities are endless, and there’s no question that some situations are poignant.  You may be attracted to someone whom you have every reason to respect and like, whom you cannot avoid interacting with, and whom you genuinely care about.  Still, if you do nothing, you won’t commit adultery.

    The do-nothing rule doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard.  To refrain from the action that you could take is the spiritual equivalent of isometric muscular contractions.  Nothing moves, and no one sees anything happening, but it’s very hard to sustain over time.  This is why you need an active outlet for your frustrations: because in tense situations, doing nothing becomes unbearable.

    What if it’s not about a relationship at all?  It’s just sex.  Your spouse can’t keep up with you; is absent, ill, or somewhere else along the spectrum from unwilling to repulsive.

    It’s still adultery.  No, it’s not the same as a massage.

    What if you never touch another human body?  If it’s online? A really old porn video and everyone in it is dead already?

    Jesus suggests chopping off your right hand (Matthew 5:29-30).  If you’re left-handed, you might have to go for the other side.  But before you try mutilation, you might try improving your relationship with your spouse.  Improving your relationship may not mean improving your spouse.  It may mean improving something else in your life to make your relationship more enjoyable.

    And you must pray.  “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil” Matthew 6:13.  Your situation no matter how miserable is not tragic, because God is faithful and will answer prayers.  More specifically, he answers the prayers of people who do the right thing James 5:16.  So, do clamor to God to get you out of the situation you’re in and into a better one.  Maybe you need a seismic shift.  God can do seismic shifts.  Maybe you need a new job, a new town, a miracle–love?

    Don’t be surprised that you feel devoid of love.  Everyone gets there.  Not if, but when you’re out of love, turn to God, the source of love, and ask him to give you love for your spouse.  Of course, you have to find within yourself at least a faint wish to love your spouse.  You may need to ask for that first.

    It may not feel like the excitement you want.  It may feel, instead, like the tide imperceptibly flowing in and lifting your beached boat off the sandbar.

     

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