Browsing tag: identity

  • Redemption

    Place your hope in God alone.  If you notice something good in yourself, give credit to God, not to yourself, but be certain that the evil you commit is always your own and yours to acknowledge. (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 41-43)

    Glaciers are receding, and at first the mountains they leave behind are as bare as the moon.  But up the stark cliffs the lichen first, then the wild sweet peas, then the alders grow.  Evergreen forests, moose and bear come to thrive on slopes relieved of eons of ice.  Grizzlies, bald eagles and salmon multiply, given a habitat and half a chance.  What about us, can we come back?

    It’s a spiritual ice age, these days.  Cool people tell us that we emerged randomly from nothing, will soon dissolve into nothing, and that no one cares anyway.  They say we’re helpless to control our own impulses; cannot alter our destructive habits; might as well yield to what’s killing us.  Give up and despair.  Do violence to yourself.  End it.

    But the Church holds onto the warmth of love and holds out for the thrill of life lived in harmony with our Creator.  The Christian hope is redemption.

    Redemption is a process, sometimes a slow one.  Glaciers and fingernails grow at about the same speed. So do souls.  But redemption is a transformation we willingly engage in.  We surrender the parts of ourselves that are mean or petty, that clash with the character of our Creator.  The God who formed the universe and who endows each tiny creature with its own particular beauty also called each one of us into being.  He wants to pull us back from the brink, but he gives us our freedom.  We participate willingly or not at all.

    First we must reconcile with the source of goodness, in order to develop goodness ourselves. Then we let our old identity die away even as a new identity forms within us. The new person gets up every day and struggles to do the right thing. It’s not a futile struggle. It’s the exertion of a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly. Every decision you make against evil, for good participates in your eternal formation. What you will be has not yet been revealed, but your new form will be glorious. Look around and observe glimpses of glory. God is always at work everywhere for good. Contemplate what he has already done.

    Right now you may feel slimy, constrained and exhausted. The effort is part of the process. You get stronger as you try. This is because you’re not just achieving an objective. You’re becoming someone. Morphing from one state of being to a new one, temporarily you have fewer powers, not more. The force of rage has dissipated, because you experience peace within. Your new movements may be awkward at first, but soon enough you’ll stretch wings and be flying. It’s a whole new experience of reality. No regrets for the dry husk left behind.

     

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  • Cultivate Fairness

    The abbot should avoid all favoritism in the monastery…. But the abbot is free, if he sees fit, to change anyone’s rank as justice demands…. God shows no partiality among persons Romans 2:11. Only in this are we distinguished in his sight: if we are found better than others in good works and in humility. Therefore, the abbot is to show equal love to everyone and apply the same discipline to all according to their merits. (Rule of St. Benedict 2.16-22)

    It’s not that you love one more than the other. It’s just that you like them all better when they’re asleep. Each of your children can be difficult to deal with, for different reasons. But each one also has qualities that you want to cultivate. Each one thrives in a unique way.

    But with all sorts of variability in the details, the same principles should apply to everyone. This includes you too. Encourage good habits, but be cautious about proclaiming absolute laws, because your children will soon be clever enough to interpret them and apply them to you in ways that you never thought of. You’ll excuse younger children from certain tasks that are beyond their ability (but those will be the jobs they really, really want). You’ll exempt older children from restrictions that are no longer needed at their age (but expect them to relapse in the face of responsibility).

    Even if you aim to keep the same standard for boys and girls, you may find that divergence in practice is preferable for all concerned. For example, a boy should not be excused from cleaning up the kitchen because he’s a boy. But if he’d rather pick up dog poop out of the yard, why not let him? A girl shouldn’t be allowed to primp in front of the mirror indefinitely because she’s a girl. But if she manages to get dressed on time in skirt and fancy shoes, with her hair done by herself, doesn’t she deserve the accessible seat in the car?

    If one child puts away the dishes unasked, while everyone else runs away, it is fair to praise that one, and to call attention to the difference in behavior. The other children are sure to speak up and inform you of whatever unacknowledged contribution they have made too.

    Sometimes parents begin to favor one child over the others because circumstances dictate this trend; or because one child is needier; or one child is more demanding. It is fair for parents to halt this trajectory and to impose limitations. Explain to the children that your goal is to be equitable. They can be smarter than you are at figuring out ways to achieve a fair balance, and sometimes you discover that their priorities are different from yours. Encourage them when they bring you novel solutions. Let them negotiate terms with each other. Why not?

    Actual favoritism is more insidious and has to do with identity issues on the part of the parent. Sometimes a parent will favor the child who embodies an ideal. For example, a mother may favor the daughter who is everything she wishes she could have been, when she was a girl. The other daughter, who resembles her in other ways (maybe with traits that she dislikes about herself) becomes the inferior one. Both daughters are hobbled as a result: one by the tangled expectation of success; the other by the cutting expectation of failure.

    We arrive at Christian identity in a different way. Our relationship to Christ is analogical. Only Jesus is the definition of God as man. But each one of us is an example of God at work in a human being.

    To realize this is to let drop the heavy burden of idealism. Jesus promises that his Holy Spirit is at work within us to develop the traits God desires. We participate in this process voluntarily, and yes, it is a lot of work. But it’s not the work of desperation. This is because our confidence is not in our own efforts but in the promise of God.

    We can also be confident that God is at work in each of our children. No matter what trials they face, no handicap is insurmountable in an ultimate sense. We grieve when we see them suffer. But we remain confident that God is working out some good purpose in each one. So we don’t flog them on to perform, if they have the traits associated with success. Nor do we abandon hope for them, if they have other traits. The journey of faith includes the assurance that there is no ultimate cause for anxiety, no matter what challenges we face together right now.

    Sibling dynamics movie suggestions: Rain Man (1988); Unbroken (2014); Sense and Sensibility (1995); Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986); Little Women (1994); A River Runs Through It (1992).

     

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