Browsing tag: home

  • Helpers For The Chef

    Household Chores

    If the community is rather large, he should be given helpers, that with their assistance he may calmly perform the duties of his office.  Necessary items are to be requested and given at the proper times, so that no one may be disquieted or distressed in the house of God. (Rule of St. Benedict 31.17-19)

    Who wants to do chores? Isn’t it demeaning, a waste of talent, for an educated person to pick up dirty socks off the floor? If there’s one thing that drives people away from domestic life, it’s the perception of household tasks as endless drudgery.

    Is the drudgery in the tasks themselves, or in the disdain with which people view them?

    A functioning household depends on these mundane, routine tasks. What happens when family members consider them unimportant and undesirable? Whoever does them receives not thanks but contempt. Someone who has worked hard without any recognition eventually from sheer discouragement gives out. Pride, resentment and humiliation damage the fabric of the family. When the members of the household despise the very things that hold it together, sooner or later it falls apart.

    So even if you can afford to hire outside helpers, everyone should still participate in chores, according to ability and opportunity, but not according to rank or privilege. Parents should lead by example to show that the household itself is worth maintaining. There is no formula except to aim for some balance of fairness intrinsic to the family. The willingness is all. Each person contributes cheerfully to a worthwhile enterprise.

    Children like to be helpers, and the problem when they’re little is that they so eagerly make all sorts of mistakes. It’s easier to do the thing yourself, but it’s important to take the time to include them. They need to learn not just the skills but the crucial principle of active participation.

    It’s true that most households have to manage limited resources. But ultimately those resources and the children themselves belong to God. Parents are not owners of their children but stewards of souls entrusted to them for formation. Children are not chattel, and parents are not at liberty to dispose of them like property. Parents who use their children like objects will answer to God for what they have done, and for what they have failed to do.

    Since everything that exists is sustained by God and belongs to him, we are all helpers accountable to him for what he has entrusted to us. But the steward of God is not a slave. Nor is God an employer who is just scraping by himself, squeezing everything he can get out of those he controls. God’s resources are limitless, and he promises to come alongside and be our Helper.

    When your home is a pleasant place to return to, glamor does not lure you. Home is your refuge. You can refrain from excess and be generous toward those in need.

    The trick is to be content. This is the whole end game of the domestic life and the thing that eludes so many unhappy people.

    Contentment is a spiritual state. But it’s also about managing your resources, so that you’re not constantly pushed to the very limits of your strength.

    Which is why, again, you need helpers. The goal is not to survive on your own without depending on anyone. The goal is to live happily together, sharing life’s burdens and joys.

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  • Hallow Your Speech Or Hollow Your Home

    Rid your heart of all deceit.  Never give a hollow greeting of peace or turn away when someone needs your love.  Bind yourself to no oath lest it prove false, but speak the truth with heart and tongue.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 24-28)

    Do not lie to your children.

    What about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy?

    When my first child asked me if Santa Claus was real, I told her quite frankly, “No.” She didn’t believe me. She argued with me. On Christmas morning she said, “See, Mommy! Look at all these presents. Where do you think these presents came from, if Santa isn’t real?”

    With the second child, I explained patiently that Santa is based on a real person, Saint Nicholas, who lived a long time ago and started the tradition of giving presents to poor children at Christmas. Then I got a phone call from my mother: “Do you realize that Anthony is going around telling people that Santa Claus is dead?”

    With the third child, I decided to let my husband handle this issue. He shamelessly played along with the whole charade. Not only Santa but the Tooth Fairy was real. He snuck presents under the tree and put excessive amounts of money under her pillow, inflating the value of teeth and provoking competition.

    With the fourth child, I avoided the whole problem. I told her the Tooth Fairy forgot about her tooth, but she might try selling it to her dad instead. I told her to ask her siblings about Santa.

    It seems to me that if children can’t trust you to tell the truth about something as inane as the Tooth Fairy, how can they trust you on more important topics? However, I realize that many people feel very strongly that a happy childhood includes belief in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and other specialized proxies.

    It’s one thing to let Santa live on in everyone’s imagination. It’s another thing to lie to your children in order to manipulate them into doing something quickly and without protest. Ten years later, the little-white-lie parents are the ones complaining about how their teenagers (shock, horror) deceive and manipulate them. How nasty those teenagers are, and how sweet they were, back in the days when they still believed everything we told them….

    The difference between the tall-tale-teller and the deceitful-manipulator is that the tale-teller wants the children to grow up and learn to distinguish reality from fiction. Nothing tickles a tale-teller so much as the efforts of a knee-high pipsqueak to put one over on him. And sometimes the pipsqueak wins this game, to everyone’s delight. It’s a game that develops the wits just like pitching softballs in the back yard develops athletic skills. It’s quite different from the morbid nostalgia of adults who hate to see the children maturing, for murky reasons of their own.

    But what really harms children is that worst form of deceit, “the hollow greeting of peace.” This corresponds to the pretense of love on the part of a parent who is essentially selfish. The friendly father who abandons his family is hollow. The effusive mother who neglects her children is hollow.

    There’s no point in glancing around to see if other people are affected. It’s in the nature of the thing to be invisible from the outside. Right now everyone looks fine. It’s all good! But when the relationships collapse, and the hollow family splays out into the open, you get a sickening glimpse inside.

    What is the opposite of hollow? The opposite of hollow is to be truly, through and through, what you appear to be on the outside. It means actually taking care of your children. That job includes teaching them to distinguish truth from falsehood, in whatever way you do best. You aim for their ultimate good, not your immediate convenience. It’s possible that no one around you will acknowledge that you’re doing anything worthwhile at all. But in the long run, integrity stands.

     

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  • Refrain From Adultery

    …not to commit adultery Romans 13:9 ;Exodus 20:14.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4.4)

    Adultery–who does it with whom, when, where and with what consequences–is an endlessly fascinating topic for all societies, and in the literatures of all languages.  Adultery is interesting.  Same old same old is boring.  Bored people commit adultery.

    You may not think of yourself as bored.  You may think of yourself as interesting but unappreciated.  Never mind.  You still don’t have to turn into the sort of person who commits adultery just for the thrill of it.  Cultivate variety in your life–in other areas.  Take on interesting challenges.  Set ambitious goals. Find something other than sex that motivates you.  Find something other than yourself that holds your attention.

    But what if you’re really tempted?  What if your marriage has degenerated to the point where there’s nothing much left: no camaraderie, no communication, no sex.  What if you don’t even see your spouse, most of the time?  And then you meet someone attractive: someone you enjoy looking at, or talking to, or both.

    Do nothing.  Adultery is not a sin that you’re going to commit inadvertently.  No doubt someone, somewhere has committed adultery by mistake, distracted by something else.  But for most people, this particular transgression involves planning, or at least a series of conscious actions.  There needs to be communication, maneuvering, overcoming of obstacles.  That’s why it’s interesting.  If it were just the pull of inertia, you might as well go home to your spouse and save yourself the part where your kids cry themselves to sleep every night.

    If, like everyone else who has ever had a job, you meet someone attractive at work, the do-nothing rule will ensure that no one even knows how you feel, because most people’s jobs do not pay them to express their feelings about their coworkers.

    What if you’re required to attend one of those seminars where total strangers goad people into sharing their impressions of each other?

    If you’re clever enough to have that sort of job, you’re clever enough to think of something noncommittal to say.

    What if it’s not a co-worker, but someone you interact with socially: the spouse of a friend; the parent of your child’s friend; someone from long before you were ever married?  The possibilities are endless, and there’s no question that some situations are poignant.  You may be attracted to someone whom you have every reason to respect and like, whom you cannot avoid interacting with, and whom you genuinely care about.  Still, if you do nothing, you won’t commit adultery.

    The do-nothing rule doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard.  To refrain from the action that you could take is the spiritual equivalent of isometric muscular contractions.  Nothing moves, and no one sees anything happening, but it’s very hard to sustain over time.  This is why you need an active outlet for your frustrations: because in tense situations, doing nothing becomes unbearable.

    What if it’s not about a relationship at all?  It’s just sex.  Your spouse can’t keep up with you; is absent, ill, or somewhere else along the spectrum from unwilling to repulsive.

    It’s still adultery.  No, it’s not the same as a massage.

    What if you never touch another human body?  If it’s online? A really old porn video and everyone in it is dead already?

    Jesus suggests chopping off your right hand (Matthew 5:29-30).  If you’re left-handed, you might have to go for the other side.  But before you try mutilation, you might try improving your relationship with your spouse.  Improving your relationship may not mean improving your spouse.  It may mean improving something else in your life to make your relationship more enjoyable.

    And you must pray.  “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil” Matthew 6:13.  Your situation no matter how miserable is not tragic, because God is faithful and will answer prayers.  More specifically, he answers the prayers of people who do the right thing James 5:16.  So, do clamor to God to get you out of the situation you’re in and into a better one.  Maybe you need a seismic shift.  God can do seismic shifts.  Maybe you need a new job, a new town, a miracle–love?

    Don’t be surprised that you feel devoid of love.  Everyone gets there.  Not if, but when you’re out of love, turn to God, the source of love, and ask him to give you love for your spouse.  Of course, you have to find within yourself at least a faint wish to love your spouse.  You may need to ask for that first.

    It may not feel like the excitement you want.  It may feel, instead, like the tide imperceptibly flowing in and lifting your beached boat off the sandbar.

     

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  • Contend Courteously

    The brothers, for their part, are to express their opinions with all humility, and not presume to defend their own views obstinately.…In the monastery no one is to follow his own heart’s desire.… (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 4-8)

    Sure, you have freedom of expression.  But is it going to be the expression of a war zone?  Because there’s another option.  You can choose to approach your messy zone as a construction site.  It’s true that injuries can still occur on construction sites, but the goal is to build something.  On the other hand, victories can be won on battlefields, but the devastated area remains uninhabitable afterwards for years.  Will you be a destroyer or a builder?

    You’re your own person.  But when you got married, you chose interdependence.  Does your pursuit of your goal disrupt your household?  Is your personal ambition undermining your family’s team spirit?  Is the thing you want placing an undue burden on everyone else?

    These are tricky questions.  Your self-assessment may be at odds with your spouse’s.  Maybe the two of you should figure that out first.

    It could be that there’s nothing antisocial about how you’re spending your time.  Maybe it’s the way you express yourself verbally that’s the problem.  Be polite, even to the person you sleep with.  Courtesy is the thing that counts.  Listen first, then speak.

    And be honest.

    How can you be both honest and polite?

    Only with a sense of humor.

    The goal is harmony.  For this, you need the grace of God.  But it also helps to check in with each other on a regular basis.  You can avoid a lot of conflicts if you anticipate difficulties and discuss them ahead of time, instead of always playing catch-up to poor communication.

    Remember that it’s on you to explain what you expect.  The marriage vow does not bestow psychic powers on your spouse.  Only you can figure out what is going through your own mind.  So, the more complicated it is, the more time you’re going to have to give it.

    Don’t assume that the underlying problem is that you are right, while the other person is wrong.  Maybe the other person knows you’re right but is tired of hearing you repeat it. Try a different approach: humor. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and have a laugh together.

     

     

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  • Communicate Artfully

    As often as anything important is to be done in the monastery, the abbot shall call the whole community together and himself explain what the business is; and after hearing the advice of the brothers, let him ponder it and follow what he judges the wiser course.  The reason why we have said all should be called for counsel is that the Lord often reveals what is better to the younger. (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 1-3)

    You have a dream of a regular dinner time.  The whole family gathers together and discusses all sorts of interesting things.  Children express their opinions freely but respectfully.  The assertive ones voluntarily fall silent and listen as the less cogent ones share their thoughts.  Lively debate ensues and does not degenerate into a ping pong of opposing assertions.  No one goes off on a rant.  You pay attention to them all and praise each one for saying something sensible or insightful.  Your spouse asks for your opinion.  You arrive together at a decision that takes everyone’s wishes into account and that all adhere to with good humor.

    And then you wake up and realize you’re still in the madhouse.  Some of them don’t speak at all: they just scream and scream at the precise pitch to unravel all your nerves.  They can’t understand anything you say, and they want it all now.  They stick their fingers into electric pencil sharpeners and throw themselves in front of moving vehicles and spread five pounds of flour across the kitchen floor daily.

    When you’ve wrestled away the paring knives clenched in each small fist and extinguished the flames from the cardboard waffle box set on “toast” in your oven, you may feel that your own mind is teetering on the brink.  The teaspoons seem to be disappearing, but you’re afraid to tell anyone, because it sounds–well, crazy.  When you catch your son stashing them in the air vent, you’re so relieved not to be insane after all that you don’t even mind the pilfering he’s been doing.

    Your only chance is to outwit them. You must become cunning. Offer them two choices, either one of which is acceptable to you, and let them decide. Guess what they’re going to do next and get there first. If it can cross your mind–no matter how bizarre a thought it is–it can cross their minds too, but they will actually do it.

    It’s easier to redirect them than to halt their motion. So when you forbid them one action, make sure to tell them what they are allowed to do instead. They can be happy for thirty minutes just running around in circles. After all, they don’t need good reasons, do they? They just need suggestions that channel their impulses in a way you can live with.

    Negotiate. If it’s terribly important to them but just a matter of preference for you, let them have their way. Save your energy for the essential things.

    And take the time to communicate with your spouse. Just because you had a hard day doesn’t mean the other person had it easy.  There are wrong times for dumping a to-do list on the other working adult in the household:

    1) Before your spouse is even out of bed in the morning.

    2) After the lights are off at night.

    3) As soon as your spouse walks through the front door.

    4) When he or she is in the middle of getting a necessary task done.

    Beware of DDS (Domestic Drone Syndrome): when you can’t remember the last time you said anything to your spouse that didn’t involve a chore.  Try a heartfelt, positive comment once in a while. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and laugh together.

    Most important: let’s try our best not to blame our spouses when things go wrong.  Life can be hard. Sometimes it’s scary too.  It’s not the fault of the person you married.

     

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  • Punish For Posterity

    He should not gloss over the sins of those who err, but cut them out while he can, as soon as they begin to sprout, remembering the fate of Eli, priest of Shiloh 1 Samuel 2:11-4:18….  Strike your son with a rod and you will free his soul from death Proverbs 23:14. (Rule of St. Benedict 2.26-29)

    Punishment is not retribution.  The purpose of punishment is to bar the way to a wrong path and to redirect the child toward the right way.  Punishment is no one’s favorite thing, but it’s an aspect of discipline that sometimes becomes necessary.

    Corporal punishment generally is called for when it’s the only way to teach the lesson.  It is fair to spank the child who throws a fit and kicks her mother.  “That hurts!” she cries.  Yes, and that’s the whole point of why you’re not allowed to kick and hit.

    There is an age that feels like an eon: between the time when a child starts to walk, and the time he learns how to talk.  During this phase, the child may be a mortal danger to himself, but he can’t understand anything you say.  This crazy person responds only to emotion and physical stimulus.  Yet each day he acquires a new skill–you never know which one next.

    Don’t spank with anything but the flat of your hand.  You will feel the sting too, and this will deter you from smacking too hard or too long.  No smack should produce any physical result more severe than transitory pink flush on the skin.  Aim to be habitually gentle and calm, so you’ll make an impression on your child when it really counts. The time to get angry and spank him is when he runs into the street and tries to throw himself in front of a truck. Next time when you call his name in that tone of voice, he’ll look back.

    Sometimes it’s satisfying to all concerned to spank the table or the chair, or whatever inanimate object can take the blame for an unfortunate event.  Children haven’t yet lost their sense of humor.

    Transgression of a law of God requires a serious response.  If the child is old enough to know she should not steal, she must return the stolen object to the owner and also apologize for taking it.  She needs to learn that stealing is not just about the object.  It’s an offense against a human being.

    If she learns not to steal from stores but still pilfers around the house, enforce boundaries.  If she tends to take your jewelry, lock up your jewelry.  Even adults have a hard time distinguishing between accessibility and permissibility.  Make the forbidden thing harder to get, so there’s a clear distinction between what she can use and what not to touch.

    If she goes to her grandmother’s house and steals the new purse that she knew was meant to be her sister’s birthday present, and then lies about it, you’ve got to take forceful action to break a habit that she’s now justifying to herself.

    Punishment to be effective must be aversive.  If it works for other people, but your child is clearly indifferent to it, then you’re going to have to think of something else.  This is especially true if you’re trying to break a bad habit, and your child seems to be factoring in your usual punishment as the price of doing business.  You might consider old-fashioned slapping of the palms with a ruler.  But you must react.  Grind routine to a stop until you’ve dealt with the problem.

    And then you redirect her.  Define what she did wrong, but also detail what behavior you want to see instead, and how she could have behaved differently in the situation she faced.  Tell her that you don’t want her to grow up to be a thief.  You do want her to grow up to be an honest person.

    You get angry because you care.  Parents who don’t care are already long gone.  But if you feel that you’re approaching a point where you can’t control your anger, give yourself a time out.  Walk away, lock the door behind you, and pray.  It’s the responsibility of parents to develop a Christian character, and gentleness is intrinsic to that character.  We practice thanking God for the good things in our lives and allow the Holy Spirit to reassert joy in our hearts.  He wants us to become patient, gentle and self-controlled.  Then we’ll be fit to correct our children when they go wrong.

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  • Discipline To Win

    In his teaching, the abbot should always observe the Apostle’s recommendation, in which he says: Use argument, appeal, reproof 2 Timothy 4:2. This means that he must vary with circumstances, threatening and coaxing by turns, stern as a taskmaster, devoted and tender as only a father can be. (Rule of St. Benedict 2.23-24)

    The purpose of discipline is to train children in good behavior, directing them along the right path.

    Training and language acquisition go hand in hand. Really you do want your children to learn how to argue on their own behalf. So engage the arguing child with a counter-argument, even as you enforce discipline. Surely you have a reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing? Explain it. Sometimes your motivations are beyond logic: verbalize your emotions too. Announce to your children that you’re about to become very, very angry. It does make a difference when you give them verbal warnings, rather than assuming that they can read your mind. And when you reprove the child for an error, spell out how it was wrong.

    There are parents who tolerate no divergence from their own opinions, decisions and emotions. Nor do they consider that they owe any explanation for the punishments they inflict. So, their children may not even understand what they did wrong, or what they should do next time instead. These parents may obtain impressive results in the short run, but they hinder the development of the initiative their children will need in order to function as adults. When they repress honest dissent, they create the conditions for deceit to flourish. As in larger scale dictatorships, the only options are subservience, rebellion or exile.

    At the other end of the spectrum are the parents who abdicate authority. They discuss options even with young children as though they were peers, without enforcing any discipline. They appeal to a child’s good nature without taking action to thwart the child’s bad impulses. Then they reproach the child for bad behavior without imposing consequences. It’s these nice parents who then complain about how disappointing their teenagers are, when they turn out not to have learned any sense of responsibility, compassion or moral obligation.

    Wise parents vary the approach with the circumstances. You threaten sparingly, because at the end of the day when you’re tired, you’d rather relax than inflict punishments–but you will follow through. You coax cautiously, because you know that children can turn the tables on you and transform bribery into blackmail. You’re stern on principles, but you’re tender on feelings. You’re usually clever, but if you make a mistake, you admit it.

    You teach right from wrong not just in theory, but in a practical way. If a young child steals something from a store, you take her back and require her to replace the object where she found it. When she took it, she didn’t have any concept of stealing: now she does. By making her put it back, you enforce the lesson that the thing that does not belong to her must stay where it is. For some children, this simple, mild intervention is all they’ll ever need. Once she realizes it’s wrong, she’ll never do it again.

    Children misbehave because of any number of factors. The challenge for parents is to observe and deduce what the causes may be, and to address those causes first. A hungry child gets fed. An exhausted child gets bedtime. Injuries both visible and invisible get appropriate treatment. Complicated teenage tangles get hours of conversation. Mistakes get the benefit of the doubt. Extenuating circumstances get full consideration.

    When a child is clearly obedient, docile and patient, you extend a gentle appeal. There’s no excuse for hurting the feelings of a well-meaning child who is making every effort to comply with expectations but through weakness has made a mistake.

    Realize that you too experience all sorts of variables that influence your behavior. Maybe you need to let go of something else you’re expending energy on, in order to have the resources you need to discipline your children constructively. Don’t be the father who didn’t bother. Don’t be the mother who always had something else to do. Engage with your children. Come alongside to help. When you slow down to walk side by side with them and focus at their level, you’ll find that you do have the experience you need to sort things out.

     

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  • Cultivate Fairness

    The abbot should avoid all favoritism in the monastery…. But the abbot is free, if he sees fit, to change anyone’s rank as justice demands…. God shows no partiality among persons Romans 2:11. Only in this are we distinguished in his sight: if we are found better than others in good works and in humility. Therefore, the abbot is to show equal love to everyone and apply the same discipline to all according to their merits. (Rule of St. Benedict 2.16-22)

    It’s not that you love one more than the other. It’s just that you like them all better when they’re asleep. Each of your children can be difficult to deal with, for different reasons. But each one also has qualities that you want to cultivate. Each one thrives in a unique way.

    But with all sorts of variability in the details, the same principles should apply to everyone. This includes you too. Encourage good habits, but be cautious about proclaiming absolute laws, because your children will soon be clever enough to interpret them and apply them to you in ways that you never thought of. You’ll excuse younger children from certain tasks that are beyond their ability (but those will be the jobs they really, really want). You’ll exempt older children from restrictions that are no longer needed at their age (but expect them to relapse in the face of responsibility).

    Even if you aim to keep the same standard for boys and girls, you may find that divergence in practice is preferable for all concerned. For example, a boy should not be excused from cleaning up the kitchen because he’s a boy. But if he’d rather pick up dog poop out of the yard, why not let him? A girl shouldn’t be allowed to primp in front of the mirror indefinitely because she’s a girl. But if she manages to get dressed on time in skirt and fancy shoes, with her hair done by herself, doesn’t she deserve the accessible seat in the car?

    If one child puts away the dishes unasked, while everyone else runs away, it is fair to praise that one, and to call attention to the difference in behavior. The other children are sure to speak up and inform you of whatever unacknowledged contribution they have made too.

    Sometimes parents begin to favor one child over the others because circumstances dictate this trend; or because one child is needier; or one child is more demanding. It is fair for parents to halt this trajectory and to impose limitations. Explain to the children that your goal is to be equitable. They can be smarter than you are at figuring out ways to achieve a fair balance, and sometimes you discover that their priorities are different from yours. Encourage them when they bring you novel solutions. Let them negotiate terms with each other. Why not?

    Actual favoritism is more insidious and has to do with identity issues on the part of the parent. Sometimes a parent will favor the child who embodies an ideal. For example, a mother may favor the daughter who is everything she wishes she could have been, when she was a girl. The other daughter, who resembles her in other ways (maybe with traits that she dislikes about herself) becomes the inferior one. Both daughters are hobbled as a result: one by the tangled expectation of success; the other by the cutting expectation of failure.

    We arrive at Christian identity in a different way. Our relationship to Christ is analogical. Only Jesus is the definition of God as man. But each one of us is an example of God at work in a human being.

    To realize this is to let drop the heavy burden of idealism. Jesus promises that his Holy Spirit is at work within us to develop the traits God desires. We participate in this process voluntarily, and yes, it is a lot of work. But it’s not the work of desperation. This is because our confidence is not in our own efforts but in the promise of God.

    We can also be confident that God is at work in each of our children. No matter what trials they face, no handicap is insurmountable in an ultimate sense. We grieve when we see them suffer. But we remain confident that God is working out some good purpose in each one. So we don’t flog them on to perform, if they have the traits associated with success. Nor do we abandon hope for them, if they have other traits. The journey of faith includes the assurance that there is no ultimate cause for anxiety, no matter what challenges we face together right now.

    Sibling dynamics movie suggestions: Rain Man (1988); Unbroken (2014); Sense and Sensibility (1995); Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986); Little Women (1994); A River Runs Through It (1992).

     

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  • Aim For Judgment Day

    The abbot must know that anyone undertaking the charge of souls must be ready to account for them. Whatever the number of brothers he has in his care, let him realize that on judgment day he will surely have to submit a reckoning to the Lord for all their souls–and indeed for his own as well (Rule of St. Benedict 2.37-38).

    Bad news: you have to face God on Judgment Day. Good news: you don’t have to dress your son in polyester and make him play Little League games in 100 degree weather while you broil on the bench. Patience, kindness and faithfulness are mandatory. Olympic medals, perfect test scores and perfect teeth are optional. You must conform to the image of Christ. You don’t have to conform to the image on the cover of the magazine.

    Of course, we do want the best of everything, for ourselves and for our children. But we also want to be able to enjoy what we’ve got. When you see how miserable people can be when they have it all, you realize that there must be more to life than everything the world has to offer. You still want the good things in life. But you understand that the good life is not dependent on the good things. It’s all about priorities.

    That he may not plead lack of resources as an excuse, he is to remember what is written: Seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things will be given you as well Matthew 6:33. (RB 2. 35).

    Jesus says, “If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it” John 14:14. To ask in Jesus’s name means asking for something that’s consistent with the will of God. Raising the children you’ve been entrusted with is certainly consistent with God’s will. So lay out all of your needs in this area with no inhibition in prayer. You are the manager, the trainer (and the janitor). God is the owner. This doesn’t mean that you never lose a game. It means that you don’t quit when you see the bills. You have someone to turn to when you need more resources.

    Your job is to negotiate a variety of temperaments, often different from your own. You coax, reprove and encourage as appropriate. This means adapting your strategy to each child’s unique personality and abilities. You cultivate each one’s welfare. But the child is not your possession. Parents are trustees of something that belongs to God. If you need ideas as you think about how to develop another person’s potential, check out these best-of-the-best movie trainers: Sam Mussabini, in Chariots of Fire; Mr. Miyagi, in The Karate Kid; Yoda, in The Empire Strikes Back; Mickey Goldmill, in Rocky.

    The goal is not to turn our children into replicas of ourselves. It’s not even to realize an ideal. The goal is to form characters in the image of Christ. In the process of correcting our children’s faults, we realize exactly where those faults came from. Their most annoying personality traits are often the ones they inherit from us. Sometimes it’s only after having a child that we even begin to realize what our own weaknesses are. And so we realize that we too must change for the better. We ask God’s grace to transform us together with them into people who reflect his character.

    “And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit” 2 Corinthians 3:18. St. Paul is telling us that God is the one in charge of this makeover. Our part is to contemplate Christ; to study him as the model; and to rehearse the lessons that we learn. When you look into a mirror, you adjust your own face to conform to what you think it should look like. As Christians, we adjust ourselves to resemble Jesus.

    The call to mimic Christ doesn’t mean that you won’t face limitations. If God himself voluntarily took on human limitations, should a human being expect to transcend them? But at the end of the day, even the impossible–if it was consistent with God’s purpose–will be done. Sometimes the impossible is the ordinary day ahead. But you don’t have to face the whole day in one gulp: a Psalter organizes each day into segments, with prayers for each time period based on the Psalms. At whatever moment you feel yourself flagging, take a few minutes to pray and ask for strength to make it through just the next few hours.

     

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  • Be A Good Model

    Therefore, the abbot must never teach or decree or command anything that would deviate from the Lord’s instructions (Rule of St. Benedict 2.4)

    Neither should parents. Maybe you fail to hit the bull’s eye, but at least you aim for the target. Your children will imitate whatever they see you do. This means that if your son sees you aiming for the bull’s eye, he’ll aim too. And sometimes he turns out to be a much better shot than you are. But you’re the one who points the way. Parents are role models for their children.

    Then at last the sheep that have rebelled against his care will be punished by the overwhelming power of death (RB 2.10).

    No! Not eternal death! As a parent, you’re responsible to turn away from the hot door with the smoke seeping around it. Don’t imagine that your children wouldn’t follow you through it. You no longer have the option to ruin only your own life. Even if there’s not always an exit marked FUN, your job is to find one marked POSSIBLE.  Sometimes it opens on a deep, daunting stairwell with many steps. But in this passageway are extraordinary people with far worse injuries than yours who still have the courage to go on. Follow them.

    Furthermore, anyone who receives the name of abbot is to lead his disciples by a twofold teaching: he must point out to them all that is good and holy more by example than by words, proposing the commandments of the Lord to receptive disciples with words, but demonstrating God’s instructions . . . by a living example.  Again, if he teaches his disciples that something is not to be done, then neither must he do it (RB 2.11-13).

    Mimetic human beings copy each other, even when they have no idea what’s going on (René Girard). Children especially copy their parents–maybe not now, but thirty years from now, when they face your situation and have no model for how to react except how you react today. If there’s a contradiction between what you tell your children and what you actually do, they will have to untangle your mess. So do everyone a favor and try to be consistent.

    How is it that you can see a splinter in your brother’s eye, and never notice the plank in your own? Matthew 7:3 (RB 2.15)

    Whatever else you aim for, realize that the most important model you offer your children is the marriage of their parents.  The hardest part of marriage is handing to God the defects of your spouse and focusing instead on fixing your own flaws.  Each one of us should work on prying out the stake impaled through our own eyeball, so that when our spouse needs help with a splinter, we’ll be half blind but mobile.  If spouses each have one functioning eye and a hygienic patch, together they’ll have the perspective they need to guide their children.

    And yet, we do want to find ways to encourage our spouse to change for the better… One tactic is to sit down for an explicit swap talk, when each spouse gets to pick one thing (only one thing!) that you want the other person to work on. This is tricky, because the unhappiest person is going to ask for a more difficult change. The other spouse can feel hurt at the criticism and may not have an equally painful request to swap with. But don’t worry: what goes around comes around. Today, you’re the one who must make a huge effort, because your spouse can’t stand to be around you anymore. In a few years, the roles will be reversed. Your turn will come to ask, and the fact that you did try will give you more influence.

    It makes all the difference in how you feel about someone if you can see that the person is trying. The thing that’s so infuriating is to feel that you’re stuck with someone whose defect is making your life miserable and who stubbornly refuses to do anything about it. You start to think that the only solution is to escape from the marriage itself. But if you see your spouse attempting to do what you asked, you can feel sympathy instead of disgust. You can hope that life will get better.  

    It’s up to you to decide whether the story of your family will be a comedy or a tragedy.

    Hint: movies about imperfect families finding ways to work things out are always comedies. Some classics worth revisiting: Overboard; Meet The Parents; Father of the Bride; It’s a Wonderful Life; Mr. Mom; About a Boy; Three Men and a Cradle; The Family Man.

     

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