Browsing tag: culture

  • Choose Your Destination

    Choose your destination before you set out on a path.

    Their law is what they like to do, whatever strikes their fancy.  Anything they believe in and choose, they call holy; anything they dislike, they consider forbidden (Rule of St. Benedict, 1.8-9)

    So . . . if you’re thinking that this is a description of our culture today, actually it’s not.  This is St Benedict describing corrupt monks in the 6th century.  The mental outlook that surrounds us now was already an option then.  It has always been appealing to think that you can do whatever you want now and be fine in the end.  But a closer look at real experience shows that choices have consequences.  You’ve got to choose your destination in order to figure out the right path to get there.

    The monks that St Benedict approves of are the coenobitarum, which is Latin for koinos bios, which is Greek for common life, which is English for what I aim to discuss here. Life in community is the focus of St Benedict’s Rule.  He invites you to choose as your destination community with God and your fellow human beings.

    St. Benedict also refers to the eremitarum, which is the Latin transliteration of the Greek eremitēs, which means “one who lives in the desert” and gives us the English word hermit.  He himself lived as a hermit for three years.  He describes the hermit as ready with God’s help to grapple single-handed with the vices of body and mind (Rule of St. Benedict 1.5).

    When I first started to think of the housewife-mother as a domestic hermit, it was because of the experience of being overwhelmed by the demands of life in a family with children.  And yet I also felt isolated, grappling with all sorts of interior struggles.  I don’t think my experience is unusual.  I think that many people flee the domestic life exactly because of this combination of exterior harassment and interior aridity.

    My goal here is to provide some support for Christian families.  I’m going to write from the perspective of someone who finds goodness difficult and not always attractive.  If you’re very good already, I won’t be at your level.  If you’re hanging on by your fingernails and thinking of letting go, I have a few tips for how to claw your way to survival.

    Most people dislike philosophy, so I’ll just note that I would situate myself in the Existential Thomist line.  If you’re interested in pursuing this topic, I would suggest that you NOT try reading St. Thomas Aquinas on your own.  I would suggest that you read Jacques Maritain instead.  Start with his Christianity and Democracy. The difference between reading Maritain and reading Aquinas is like the difference between drinking a gin-and-tonic and chewing the bark of the cinchona tree to extract the quinine.  In the case of Aquinas, you really do want someone else to distill it for you.

    You don’t need to be a philosopher to notice how challenging it is for Jesus to say, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life” John 14:6.  His way of life is a narrow path uphill, and that’s not where the crowd is heading.  Meanwhile, you have myriads of alternatives immediately available.  A lot of nice people are rushing off in other directions, and who can tell yet where they will end up?  But Jesus insists that only his path leads to life (Matthew 7:13-14).

    He didn’t say you have to climb quickly.  There’s no quota of miles you must get through in a day.  You can sit down every ten feet and rest, if you need to.  And you don’t have to get to the end to experience the life.  You just have to be on the path–or in the vicinity of the path, retrieving someone from the landscape.  You can backtrack and retrace your steps, again, because that’s just what you have to do to keep everyone together. And you may find that your children have more energy than you do for the challenge.  They hate to walk, but they love to run.  If you point them in the right direction, soon they’ll get far beyond you, and you’ll be calling to them to wait up.

    Choose your destination: are you aiming for eternal community with those you love and with your Creator?

     

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  • Silent Night, Holy Dawn

    Elegant Definition

    We absolutely condemn in all places any vulgarity. . . .  (Rule of St. Benedict 6.8)

    In the beginning, the Spirit of God hovered over the waters.  He spoke, and called forth formed things. To live a holy life is to move within these forms willingly.

    A holy life is an elegant life.

    The savor of elegance blends qualities of restraint and creativity.  Vulgarity glaringly lacks both.

    What is vulgarity?

    Vulgarity displays itself verbally in language; visually in esthetics.  Jokes can be crass, but so can architecture.  Clothing but also conversation can be indecent.  The vibe of vulgarity involves an absence of restraint along with a will to self-assertion, especially in a group.  Crude people do not call themselves into question, because everyone they notice is doing the same thing.  A sort of pushy smugness combines too much confidence with too little content in too callous a crowd.

    Profane people do not stop.  They stampede in the direction of a boundary and trample it deliberately, because they can.  It’s also the only thing they know how to do.  They tend to be the set in power at the moment.  

    With no respect for boundaries, there’s no sense of danger.  Uncouth people back off the edge of the Grand Canyon taking selfies.  They die on a ledge a few hours later because the lives of paramedics can’t be risked for anyone that graceless.  Their barbaric friends take more pictures, then go on their way just as before.

    Base people do not feel grief.  Mourning requires sensitivity to the border between life and death, and even this line of demarcation they do not perceive.  How could they?  All they’ve ever been taught is that they emerged randomly from nothing.  They fully expect to dissolve into nothing again, and not be missed.  Randomness is a brutal philosophy.  Its adherents show no pity.

    Elegant people are gracious

    In contrast, gracious people voluntarily honor boundaries: the lines between right and wrong; good and evil; being and nothing; beauty and ugliness.

    The antidote to vulgarity is humility.  If you treat other people with respect, you won’t commit obscenities, even though you make mistakes.  If you’re not trying to assert yourself over others, you’re not likely to infringe.  Minding limits, you engage your whole life in a practice of discipline.  This reeling in of yourself on the verge of a boundary is the essence of modesty.  It’s an active compliance that trains self-control, so you can live a graceful life.

    Elegant, definition: Elegance involves a sense of risk.  It’s a challenge to thread your way through without transgressing.  Who can do it?  But each attempt develops ability.  There are some who succeed beautifully.  We admire them and strive to imitate their technique.  Artistry is not the province of flippant violators.  Creativity does not ignore principles but rather applies them.

    For the Christian, beauty includes paradox.  The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.  The greatest was the servant of all.  The virgin gave birth.  The creator of the universe chose human parents who couldn’t afford anything better than an animal shed to shelter in.  Again and again, Christian teachings balance improbable truths on a fulcrum of miraculous possibility.

    As we make our way, we search for this narrow ridge of redemption.  We find it, and then our feet slip out from under us, and we slide off.  But there is someone to rescue us.  Holiness is not only practiced but bestowed.  Failure climbs back as resilience.

    Within the ways of God we exercise complete freedom to create.  He is the one who called us into being, gave us shape and endowed us with talents.  Vulgarity is not our destiny.

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  • Zip It

     I said, I have resolved to keep watch over my ways that I may never sin with my tongue.  I have put a guard on my mouth…. [Psalm 39:1-3]  (Rule of St. Benedict 6.1-6)

    Keep your mouth shut? It’s awfully hard to do.

    It’s especially difficult in a competitive environment, where talking is part of the game, and the loudest ones seem to win.  Across languages and cultures, human beings exercise dominance by imposing verbally over others.  The powerful say whatever they want.  Everyone else has to be careful, and whisper.  Sometimes speaking at all can feel like a fight for survival.  In this as in everything else, the Christian message is paradoxical.  Do you fear being completely ignored, if you keep quiet while everyone else has a say?  Then trust God, and hold your tongue.

    If you follow this teaching, expect to spend many hours of your life listening to other people declaim nonsense.  There are some who will talk at full speed as long as anyone will listen, never pausing for breath.  Curiously, though, as soon as you try to reply, the intense focus of which they are clearly capable dissolves into wandering attention and distracted mannerisms.  They have the energy to speak, but not to remain silent.  Talking requires much less effort than listening.

    Do not imitate them.  In the short term, they seem to dominate the group.  But in the long run, the verbose end up deleted.  Just because people have no choice but to hear you doesn’t mean they are persuaded.

    The goal is not to seal yourself into hermetic isolation, however.  There is a time to communicate what you think.  The monosyllabic sphinx is a tiresome companion too.  When people are sincerely interested in you, don’t weary them by making them guess what’s going on.  It’s on you to communicate in a coherent way.  But what thoughts are actually pouring forth from within you?

    For some, it’s perpetual dissatisfaction.  They can complain about anything, and they will.  If the temperature drops, they complain about the cold.  When it warms up, they complain about the heat.  If it rains, they complain about getting wet.  If it doesn’t, they complain on behalf of the parched vegetation. Keep your mouth shut? You wish you could tell them!

    Others spew malice.  They sidle up, masquerading as sociable.  Beware those who insinuate nasty things about people behind their backs, while attempting to draw you in with flattery.  As soon as you’re out of earshot, they’ll be hissing derogatory remarks about you too.  If you must comment on someone who’s absent, try to think of something positive to say.  Malicious gossips will learn to avoid you, because it repels them to hear others praised.

    Good words come from the good within you.  If only this were enough!  But the thing is that dishonesties characterize the social conventions of every society.  Cultures define themselves by the peculiar sorts of dissembling they require.  Figuring out what you’re not supposed to say is one of the biggest challenges of a foreign environment.  Some are so hateful that you live in fear of tripping a mine whenever you open your mouth.  You have to be careful about speaking the truth.

    It’s safest to refrain from asking questions.  But if you see someone making a potentially dangerous mistake, you must in good conscience speak out.  The other person will likely reject your advice.  Sometimes your intrusion will provoke such resentment that the chill will never thaw again.  But you’re not actually doing anything wrong, if you’re motivated by love.  It’s just that not everyone will want to hear it, even if you’ve got it right, even though you care.

    There are also, inevitably, moments of personal struggle, when you simply must express how you feel, whatever the consequences.  Every human being needs friends.  When another person hears and understands, there’s an enormous relief, quite apart from solving any problem.  Just remember that those who love you enough to listen also need support from you.  Listening is a mutual comfort.

    Sometimes in acute distress we lash out at the person closest to us.  This is human, but it’s also terribly unfair.  Pull yourself together and apologize.  Even in the most loving, most intimate relationships, you’ve got to maintain a proportion of courtesy.  Honesty, like vinegar, is unbearable on its own.  More oil than vinegar goes into a salad dressing, and the same is true for relationships, even close ones.  Try to balance your honesty with some balm for the feelings of the other person.

    Cherish those who care enough about you to listen.  And with strangers, keep your mouth shut.  You won’t get into trouble for what you don’t say.

     

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  • Human Reefs Need Saving Too

    Do not gratify the promptings of the flesh Galatians 5:16; hate the urgings of self-will.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 59-60)

    What is “the flesh”?

    “The flesh” is a Christian metaphor.  The struggle represented by “the flesh” consists of our efforts to do good and to reject evil.  It’s this vital spiritual struggle that builds the moral exoskeleton of formal behaviors that define right living.

    This spiritual struggle is not a fight against our own physical bodies.  Sexual desire isn’t evil, nor are the desires for food, warmth or sleep.  Desires only become “the flesh” when they impel wrong behavior.  “The flesh” tempts us to do things that would violate a command of God, if we yielded to the impulse.  For example, a struggle against an angry impulse to hurt someone is a struggle against “the flesh,” even though bodies may have nothing to do with it.

    The part of us that opposes “the flesh” is our conscience.  Your conscience informs you when you’ve breached a norm of your Creator.  It’s the spiritual organ that corresponds to your physical nervous system.  Just as your nerves react when you’ve injured yourself and produce a sensation of pain, your conscience reacts when you’ve incurred spiritual damage by doing wrong.  The feeling your conscience produces is called remorse.  Most importantly, remorse is meant to help you survive spiritually. Like physical pain, it indicates when and where you have a problem.

    Neither your body nor your soul will function if you numb them with substance abuse or perpetual escapism.  Your conscience will sicken if you bathe it in evil influences.  Temporarily you may feel relief if moral limits disappear from your habitat.  But soon the murky haze of a featureless landscape disorients your conscience, which continues to lash out at evil without knowing where evil is anymore.

    So those who seek holiness immersed in toxic waste shudder daily from the shocks of brutality let loose in their midst.  No stops remain to signal small aggressions.  Suddenly grotesque violence explodes without warning.

    What happens to communities when moral boundaries disappear?

    For generations the West has employed a blast fishing approach to material progress at the expense of spiritual infrastructure. Blast fishing uses dynamite to stun fish so quantities can be netted quickly. As a result, the blasts destroy the nearby coral and eliminate its reef habitat.

    The ban against idolatry was exploded to make room for the supersize ego.  Holy sabbaths crumbled in the vanguard of economic expansion.  Refraining from adultery blew up when personal bonds got in the way of individual satisfaction.  Of the Ten great commandments, not one remains sacred.

    To clarify: not all of the destruction is accidental.  A campaign to erase all formal boundaries has explicitly targeted moral restrictions.  Big players blast away at ethical barriers in the name of their personal freedom.  For large egos, freedom requires the total elimination of any hindrance.  Nor do they permit anyone else to live free.  All in their path must yield.

    Coral polyps are fleshy creatures that form exoskeletons to survive.  They take in colorful algae to farm for nutrients.  Coral communities create vast structures called reefs.  The intricate spaces of the reef formations provide shelter to fish and invertebrates seeking refuge from predators.  Large predators cannot penetrate the narrow fissures of the reef structure.

    Similarly, human beings are vital souls whose efforts to repel evil and cultivate goodness produce the formal systems that support a thriving culture.  Comedy, tragedy, eroticism and remorse all require fixed boundaries to exist.

    What happens when you take the bait?

    The sales pitch has been a promise to eradicate pain.  It is as a form of pain that remorse was slated for elimination.  The lure of numbness generates enormous profits as drugs and distractions achieve insensibility for all.  Millions too zoned out to react to their own destruction float into the nets of unscrupulous profiteers.

    No boundary: ergo no transgression.  No transgression: ergo, no guilt.  And without guilt, there can be no remorse.

    In this wasteland devoid of impeding structures, Homo neuroticus thrashes about. Anything and everything in the cloudy murk triggers a spasmodic reaction, inflicting harm on those nearby. Neuroticus used to be a rare breed and was called “crazy” in the vernacular.  Psychologists of a previous age had observed an association between neuroticus and remorse. But they didn’t have many specimens to analyze. Freudians assumed that neuroticus must be the offspring of remorse, since the two were often seen together.

    Neuroticus is insensitive to humor, grief and contrition.  It must contort itself to get a sexual thrill.  It expends furious energy to control everything in its environment.  But it cannot control itself.  Neuroticus experiences its own impulses as irresistible.  Its large ego prevents it from admitting that it could do anything wrong.  With no cultural reef of formal boundaries to limit its movements, neuroticus produces specimens with larger and larger egos.  No joke can survive in the shadow of neuroticus.  No sorrow throbs.  Mercy moves not.  These have all fled.

    But remorse is not the parent of neuroticus.  Remorse is its guide through the deep.  When you have a sense of where the boundaries are, you can direct your actions purposefully.

    Bring the reef back.  We could all laugh again.  We could weep again.  Real thrills could move us.  We could live again.

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  • Friendly Faces Feel

    Have a great horror of hell.  Yearn for everlasting life with holy desire.  Day by day remind yourself that you are going to die.…  Do not love immoderate or boisterous laughter.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 45-54)

    There are those who remind you that you’re going to die, and encourage you to think about eternity. There are others who remind you that you’re getting older, and encourage you to think about Botulinum toxin.

    One guy warns against flippant laughter.  The other guy fixes your face so you can no longer laugh.

    Religious types subtly make you feel that you could be a better person.  Fashionable types subtly make you feel that you’ve aged, sagged and bought last year’s clothes on sale.

    If you’re thinking of splitting the difference with the Spa Special and a charitable donation, realize that both sides will come at you with renewed zest. For every charitable gift, you’ll get a dozen new solicitations. For every photofacial, you’ll get a dozen new spots.

    There’s no rest in this world for us. We’re caught in the movements called Time. There’s the movement toward eternal life, called redemption. There’s the movement toward eternal death, called drifting with the trend.

    You know, the people who care about you will love you no matter how you look. On the other hand, the people who rate you when you walk through the door will never care, no matter what you do.

    If you paralyze your face, your friends won’t know what’s going on with you. Are you sad, mad, anxious?We care. But we don’t know where we stand with you, because your face is without expression. Do you even like us anymore?

    And guys, the problem is not that you’re losing your hair. The problem is that you’re going to die, and we will be left alone.

    So do what you want with your look, but please keep the focus on your health. Above all, could you please make sure your soul is in shape for eternity? We want to be there together.

     

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  • Fear Of The Lord

    The first step of humility, then, is that a man keeps the fear of God always before his eyes and never forgets it. Psalm 36:1  (Rule of St. Benedict 7.10)

    The practice of humility isn’t so daunting once you realize that it’s not about what other people think of you.  It’s about your existence.

    The first step in this practice is elemental.  Over and over in Scripture, the fear of God is recommended to us as beneficial to our well-being:

    Happy is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways.

    You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be happy, and it shall go well with you.

    Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.

    Thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.  Psalm 128:1-4

    Immediately it becomes clear that if your idea of happiness is winning the jackpot in Vegas, you’ve got the wrong God here.  The God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, the psalmists and prophets, St. Benedict and all the saints of the Church will bless you with a domestic life and a living wage.  God’s idea of happiness for his favorite creatures is not idleness, but satisfying work; not luxury, but abundance; not sexual adventures, but family.

    That’s the carrot.  But in case the carrot doesn’t motivate you, there’s also a stick.  When St. Benedict echoes the psalmist in proclaiming the fear of the Lord, he’s not talking about an intellectual assent to a coherent philosophical proposition.  He stands with all the other prophets in proclaiming that God is a Person.  And this Person holds each human being accountable for every free action.  God will punish those who willfully disobey his commands.  God will reward those who attempt to obey him.  Both the punishment and the reward will endure forever, once we’ve completed our journey through time.  So it is scary.  You’re supposed to feel a thrill of terror.

    But as always in this religion, there’s a paradox.  For those who don’t deserve much of anything, there is infinite mercy, if you’re humble enough to accept mercy.

    The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life Proverbs 14:27 

    The metaphor evokes fresh water in the desert.  On barren cliffs green things flourish.  How can this be?  A seed drifting on the wind lodged in a crack and sensed that it was time to send forth a tiny root.  Just so, the fear of the Lord is the mysterious spiritual sense that God endows his creatures with, enabling them to recognize his presence and to turn to him as the source of their vitality.

    Does it have to be fear?  Fear isn’t nice.  We’ve edited it out of religion.  But then again, we’ll pay money to feel it in a horror flick or on a roller coaster.  If it’s so bad, why do nice people seek it out and pay for it?

    Because we are alive.  Only living creatures can feel fear.  When we feel fear, we also feel alive, because we’re viscerally aware of a threat to our existence.

    The barren rock that never lived cannot fear losing the life it never had.  And people who’ve never felt alive can’t fear the loss of what they’ve never known.  They become indifferent to annihilation, their own and other people’s.  In interactions with others, these petrified souls exhibit a delusion of impunity.  Their moral indifference extends from their spiritual aridity. They’re untouchable, or so they imagine.  This is not a sign of progress or of superiority.  It’s a sign of something missing.

    The fear of God is the first step of humility, because humility is the root that aligns us in the proper posture with respect to our creator, so that we’re able to draw life from him.  We recognize our dependence on the one who called us into being.  We acknowledge the presence of the one who sustains everything at every moment.  And we send out at first just a tiny filament towards him, but as we grow and thrive, this will become a tough root mass that attaches us firmly to the region of our life source.

    What about the trouble that comes to everyone?  The trouble you face in this world is not the punishment of God.  The trouble you face now is what you have to get through on the way to your reward.  Now is the struggle of life in the desert.  Later is the rest at the oasis.

    St. Paul tells us that even if everything in the universe conspires against us–death, life, angels, demons, the present, the future, nature, culture, hurricanes, floods–God is still on our side, through it all, as long as we’re trying to do the right thing (Romans 8: 1-39).  Our struggle toward goodness through harsh surroundings shows that we are vital after all.

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  • Communicate Artfully

    As often as anything important is to be done in the monastery, the abbot shall call the whole community together and himself explain what the business is; and after hearing the advice of the brothers, let him ponder it and follow what he judges the wiser course.  The reason why we have said all should be called for counsel is that the Lord often reveals what is better to the younger. (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 1-3)

    You have a dream of a regular dinner time.  The whole family gathers together and discusses all sorts of interesting things.  Children express their opinions freely but respectfully.  The assertive ones voluntarily fall silent and listen as the less cogent ones share their thoughts.  Lively debate ensues and does not degenerate into a ping pong of opposing assertions.  No one goes off on a rant.  You pay attention to them all and praise each one for saying something sensible or insightful.  Your spouse asks for your opinion.  You arrive together at a decision that takes everyone’s wishes into account and that all adhere to with good humor.

    And then you wake up and realize you’re still in the madhouse.  Some of them don’t speak at all: they just scream and scream at the precise pitch to unravel all your nerves.  They can’t understand anything you say, and they want it all now.  They stick their fingers into electric pencil sharpeners and throw themselves in front of moving vehicles and spread five pounds of flour across the kitchen floor daily.

    When you’ve wrestled away the paring knives clenched in each small fist and extinguished the flames from the cardboard waffle box set on “toast” in your oven, you may feel that your own mind is teetering on the brink.  The teaspoons seem to be disappearing, but you’re afraid to tell anyone, because it sounds–well, crazy.  When you catch your son stashing them in the air vent, you’re so relieved not to be insane after all that you don’t even mind the pilfering he’s been doing.

    Your only chance is to outwit them. You must become cunning. Offer them two choices, either one of which is acceptable to you, and let them decide. Guess what they’re going to do next and get there first. If it can cross your mind–no matter how bizarre a thought it is–it can cross their minds too, but they will actually do it.

    It’s easier to redirect them than to halt their motion. So when you forbid them one action, make sure to tell them what they are allowed to do instead. They can be happy for thirty minutes just running around in circles. After all, they don’t need good reasons, do they? They just need suggestions that channel their impulses in a way you can live with.

    Negotiate. If it’s terribly important to them but just a matter of preference for you, let them have their way. Save your energy for the essential things.

    And take the time to communicate with your spouse. Just because you had a hard day doesn’t mean the other person had it easy.  There are wrong times for dumping a to-do list on the other working adult in the household:

    1) Before your spouse is even out of bed in the morning.

    2) After the lights are off at night.

    3) As soon as your spouse walks through the front door.

    4) When he or she is in the middle of getting a necessary task done.

    Beware of DDS (Domestic Drone Syndrome): when you can’t remember the last time you said anything to your spouse that didn’t involve a chore.  Try a heartfelt, positive comment once in a while. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and laugh together.

    Most important: let’s try our best not to blame our spouses when things go wrong.  Life can be hard. Sometimes it’s scary too.  It’s not the fault of the person you married.

     

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  • Aim For Judgment Day

    The abbot must know that anyone undertaking the charge of souls must be ready to account for them. Whatever the number of brothers he has in his care, let him realize that on judgment day he will surely have to submit a reckoning to the Lord for all their souls–and indeed for his own as well (Rule of St. Benedict 2.37-38).

    Bad news: you have to face God on Judgment Day. Good news: you don’t have to dress your son in polyester and make him play Little League games in 100 degree weather while you broil on the bench. Patience, kindness and faithfulness are mandatory. Olympic medals, perfect test scores and perfect teeth are optional. You must conform to the image of Christ. You don’t have to conform to the image on the cover of the magazine.

    Of course, we do want the best of everything, for ourselves and for our children. But we also want to be able to enjoy what we’ve got. When you see how miserable people can be when they have it all, you realize that there must be more to life than everything the world has to offer. You still want the good things in life. But you understand that the good life is not dependent on the good things. It’s all about priorities.

    That he may not plead lack of resources as an excuse, he is to remember what is written: Seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things will be given you as well Matthew 6:33. (RB 2. 35).

    Jesus says, “If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it” John 14:14. To ask in Jesus’s name means asking for something that’s consistent with the will of God. Raising the children you’ve been entrusted with is certainly consistent with God’s will. So lay out all of your needs in this area with no inhibition in prayer. You are the manager, the trainer (and the janitor). God is the owner. This doesn’t mean that you never lose a game. It means that you don’t quit when you see the bills. You have someone to turn to when you need more resources.

    Your job is to negotiate a variety of temperaments, often different from your own. You coax, reprove and encourage as appropriate. This means adapting your strategy to each child’s unique personality and abilities. You cultivate each one’s welfare. But the child is not your possession. Parents are trustees of something that belongs to God. If you need ideas as you think about how to develop another person’s potential, check out these best-of-the-best movie trainers: Sam Mussabini, in Chariots of Fire; Mr. Miyagi, in The Karate Kid; Yoda, in The Empire Strikes Back; Mickey Goldmill, in Rocky.

    The goal is not to turn our children into replicas of ourselves. It’s not even to realize an ideal. The goal is to form characters in the image of Christ. In the process of correcting our children’s faults, we realize exactly where those faults came from. Their most annoying personality traits are often the ones they inherit from us. Sometimes it’s only after having a child that we even begin to realize what our own weaknesses are. And so we realize that we too must change for the better. We ask God’s grace to transform us together with them into people who reflect his character.

    “And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit” 2 Corinthians 3:18. St. Paul is telling us that God is the one in charge of this makeover. Our part is to contemplate Christ; to study him as the model; and to rehearse the lessons that we learn. When you look into a mirror, you adjust your own face to conform to what you think it should look like. As Christians, we adjust ourselves to resemble Jesus.

    The call to mimic Christ doesn’t mean that you won’t face limitations. If God himself voluntarily took on human limitations, should a human being expect to transcend them? But at the end of the day, even the impossible–if it was consistent with God’s purpose–will be done. Sometimes the impossible is the ordinary day ahead. But you don’t have to face the whole day in one gulp: a Psalter organizes each day into segments, with prayers for each time period based on the Psalms. At whatever moment you feel yourself flagging, take a few minutes to pray and ask for strength to make it through just the next few hours.

     

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  • Be A Good Model

    Therefore, the abbot must never teach or decree or command anything that would deviate from the Lord’s instructions (Rule of St. Benedict 2.4)

    Neither should parents. Maybe you fail to hit the bull’s eye, but at least you aim for the target. Your children will imitate whatever they see you do. This means that if your son sees you aiming for the bull’s eye, he’ll aim too. And sometimes he turns out to be a much better shot than you are. But you’re the one who points the way. Parents are role models for their children.

    Then at last the sheep that have rebelled against his care will be punished by the overwhelming power of death (RB 2.10).

    No! Not eternal death! As a parent, you’re responsible to turn away from the hot door with the smoke seeping around it. Don’t imagine that your children wouldn’t follow you through it. You no longer have the option to ruin only your own life. Even if there’s not always an exit marked FUN, your job is to find one marked POSSIBLE.  Sometimes it opens on a deep, daunting stairwell with many steps. But in this passageway are extraordinary people with far worse injuries than yours who still have the courage to go on. Follow them.

    Furthermore, anyone who receives the name of abbot is to lead his disciples by a twofold teaching: he must point out to them all that is good and holy more by example than by words, proposing the commandments of the Lord to receptive disciples with words, but demonstrating God’s instructions . . . by a living example.  Again, if he teaches his disciples that something is not to be done, then neither must he do it (RB 2.11-13).

    Mimetic human beings copy each other, even when they have no idea what’s going on (René Girard). Children especially copy their parents–maybe not now, but thirty years from now, when they face your situation and have no model for how to react except how you react today. If there’s a contradiction between what you tell your children and what you actually do, they will have to untangle your mess. So do everyone a favor and try to be consistent.

    How is it that you can see a splinter in your brother’s eye, and never notice the plank in your own? Matthew 7:3 (RB 2.15)

    Whatever else you aim for, realize that the most important model you offer your children is the marriage of their parents.  The hardest part of marriage is handing to God the defects of your spouse and focusing instead on fixing your own flaws.  Each one of us should work on prying out the stake impaled through our own eyeball, so that when our spouse needs help with a splinter, we’ll be half blind but mobile.  If spouses each have one functioning eye and a hygienic patch, together they’ll have the perspective they need to guide their children.

    And yet, we do want to find ways to encourage our spouse to change for the better… One tactic is to sit down for an explicit swap talk, when each spouse gets to pick one thing (only one thing!) that you want the other person to work on. This is tricky, because the unhappiest person is going to ask for a more difficult change. The other spouse can feel hurt at the criticism and may not have an equally painful request to swap with. But don’t worry: what goes around comes around. Today, you’re the one who must make a huge effort, because your spouse can’t stand to be around you anymore. In a few years, the roles will be reversed. Your turn will come to ask, and the fact that you did try will give you more influence.

    It makes all the difference in how you feel about someone if you can see that the person is trying. The thing that’s so infuriating is to feel that you’re stuck with someone whose defect is making your life miserable and who stubbornly refuses to do anything about it. You start to think that the only solution is to escape from the marriage itself. But if you see your spouse attempting to do what you asked, you can feel sympathy instead of disgust. You can hope that life will get better.  

    It’s up to you to decide whether the story of your family will be a comedy or a tragedy.

    Hint: movies about imperfect families finding ways to work things out are always comedies. Some classics worth revisiting: Overboard; Meet The Parents; Father of the Bride; It’s a Wonderful Life; Mr. Mom; About a Boy; Three Men and a Cradle; The Family Man.

     

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  • Live Up To Your Titles: Father And Mother

    To be worthy of the task of governing a monastery, the abbot must always remember what his title signifies and act as a superior should (Rule of St. Benedict, 2.1).

    The father and mother must also remember what their titles signify. Today this seems to require a vocabulary review, even for native speakers.  Never in the history of tautology has such a frisson of excitement run through the announcement that a father is a man, and a mother is a woman.  Who knew that it would become controversial to read a dictionary out loud ?

    A man who begets a child has the responsibility to act as a father to his child.  A woman who conceives a child has the responsibility to act as a mother to her child.  Father and mother should be married to each other. The sacrament of matrimony is a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church. The husband represents Christ, and the wife represents the Church (Mark 10:6-9; Catechism of the Catholic Church Part II, Chapter 3, Article 7: “The Sacrament of Matrimony.”)

    For two thousand years the Church never had to defend the essential maleness and femaleness of humanity. The Church has, however had lots of experience standing for the essential humanity of human beings.  It’s clear that a Christian understanding of the human being includes a dynamic between male and female. The harmony of masculinity with maleness and femininity with femaleness has always been obvious to everyone in all cultures, notwithstanding the variations peculiar to time and place.

    From the earliest days of the Church, men and women have always been called to develop the same spiritual qualites.  St. Paul lists these explicitly: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).  This is not an exhaustive list. There are other qualities such as courage and truthfulness that the Holy Spirit cultivates in those who belong to him.

    Both the father and the mother in a household are called to imitate Christ. Far from flattening their respective personalities or erasing their sexual differences, the Holy Spirit will fulfill and develop them, both as man and woman and as specific individuals with unique characteristics.  (Two authors who write eloquently on the individuation of Christians are G.K.Chesterton in Orthodoxy and C.S.Lewis in The Screwtape Letters).  One of the most important Christian themes is that you fulfill yourself not by focusing on your own personality but by focusing on Christ’s personality.  It’s from within this tradition that I am writing, and so most of what I say will be for parents as parents relating to children as children, without a lot of gender-specific commentary.

    On the other hand, I’m not sold on gender-inclusive language.  Having studied a few other languages, it strikes me that only English speakers take personal pronouns so personally.  I don’t have a problem accepting “he” as representing human beings in general. The whole point of a pronoun is to save you the trouble of listing out everyone you’re referring to.

    Representation is essential to Christianity, never mind democracy.  The Apostle John tells us that Christ is the Word of God, and he emphasizes the creative acts of Christ, the Verb.  But as redeemer of the world Christ also becomes the Pronoun.  He is the atoning sacrifice who stands in for us before a holy God.  If you reject the power of “him” to represent you, don’t you reject the whole concept of redemption as well?

    But, since it’s impossible not to feel awkward in the third-person singular these days, I’ve decided just to collar the reader and address him or her as you, whoever you are.  I also refer to us, meaning we-the-people-who-are-still-making-an-effort.  My goal is to write succinctly, correctly and honestly.  If I write badly, I risk confusing you.  If I get something wrong, I risk misleading you.

    But if I say nothing at all, I risk offending the Master who reproached only the servant who refused to try (Matthew 25:14-30.)  I’ll do the best I can with the resources I’ve got.  Others are more than welcome to pitch in.  And in fact it’s necessary for each one to make an effort here.  Why would you yield your God-given sexuality to an atheist culture?  Be a man.  Be a woman.  Your choices will contribute to defining the terms.

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