…not to commit adultery Romans 13:9 ;Exodus 20:14. (Rule of St. Benedict 4.4)
Adultery–who does it with whom, when, where and with what consequences–is an endlessly fascinating topic for all societies, and in the literatures of all languages. Adultery is interesting. Same old same old is boring. Bored people commit adultery.
You may not think of yourself as bored. You may think of yourself as interesting but unappreciated. Never mind. You still don’t have to turn into the sort of person who commits adultery just for the thrill of it. Cultivate variety in your life–in other areas. Take on interesting challenges. Set ambitious goals. Find something other than sex that motivates you. Find something other than yourself that holds your attention.
But what if you’re really tempted? What if your marriage has degenerated to the point where there’s nothing much left: no camaraderie, no communication, no sex. What if you don’t even see your spouse, most of the time? And then you meet someone attractive: someone you enjoy looking at, or talking to, or both.
Do nothing. Adultery is not a sin that you’re going to commit inadvertently. No doubt someone, somewhere has committed adultery by mistake, distracted by something else. But for most people, this particular transgression involves planning, or at least a series of conscious actions. There needs to be communication, maneuvering, overcoming of obstacles. That’s why it’s interesting. If it were just the pull of inertia, you might as well go home to your spouse and save yourself the part where your kids cry themselves to sleep every night.
If, like everyone else who has ever had a job, you meet someone attractive at work, the do-nothing rule will ensure that no one even knows how you feel, because most people’s jobs do not pay them to express their feelings about their coworkers.
What if you’re required to attend one of those seminars where total strangers goad people into sharing their impressions of each other?
If you’re clever enough to have that sort of job, you’re clever enough to think of something noncommittal to say.
What if it’s not a co-worker, but someone you interact with socially: the spouse of a friend; the parent of your child’s friend; someone from long before you were ever married? The possibilities are endless, and there’s no question that some situations are poignant. You may be attracted to someone whom you have every reason to respect and like, whom you cannot avoid interacting with, and whom you genuinely care about. Still, if you do nothing, you won’t commit adultery.
The do-nothing rule doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard. To refrain from the action that you could take is the spiritual equivalent of isometric muscular contractions. Nothing moves, and no one sees anything happening, but it’s very hard to sustain over time. This is why you need an active outlet for your frustrations: because in tense situations, doing nothing becomes unbearable.
What if it’s not about a relationship at all? It’s just sex. Your spouse can’t keep up with you; is absent, ill, or somewhere else along the spectrum from unwilling to repulsive.
It’s still adultery. No, it’s not the same as a massage.
What if you never touch another human body? If it’s online? A really old porn video and everyone in it is dead already?
Jesus suggests chopping off your right hand (Matthew 5:29-30). If you’re left-handed, you might have to go for the other side. But before you try mutilation, you might try improving your relationship with your spouse. Improving your relationship may not mean improving your spouse. It may mean improving something else in your life to make your relationship more enjoyable.
And you must pray. “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil” Matthew 6:13. Your situation no matter how miserable is not tragic, because God is faithful and will answer prayers. More specifically, he answers the prayers of people who do the right thing James 5:16. So, do clamor to God to get you out of the situation you’re in and into a better one. Maybe you need a seismic shift. God can do seismic shifts. Maybe you need a new job, a new town, a miracle–love?
Don’t be surprised that you feel devoid of love. Everyone gets there. Not if, but when you’re out of love, turn to God, the source of love, and ask him to give you love for your spouse. Of course, you have to find within yourself at least a faint wish to love your spouse. You may need to ask for that first.
It may not feel like the excitement you want. It may feel, instead, like the tide imperceptibly flowing in and lifting your beached boat off the sandbar.