Browsing tag: catholic

  • Zip It

     I said, I have resolved to keep watch over my ways that I may never sin with my tongue.  I have put a guard on my mouth…. [Psalm 39:1-3]  (Rule of St. Benedict 6.1-6)

    Keep your mouth shut? It’s awfully hard to do.

    It’s especially difficult in a competitive environment, where talking is part of the game, and the loudest ones seem to win.  Across languages and cultures, human beings exercise dominance by imposing verbally over others.  The powerful say whatever they want.  Everyone else has to be careful, and whisper.  Sometimes speaking at all can feel like a fight for survival.  In this as in everything else, the Christian message is paradoxical.  Do you fear being completely ignored, if you keep quiet while everyone else has a say?  Then trust God, and hold your tongue.

    If you follow this teaching, expect to spend many hours of your life listening to other people declaim nonsense.  There are some who will talk at full speed as long as anyone will listen, never pausing for breath.  Curiously, though, as soon as you try to reply, the intense focus of which they are clearly capable dissolves into wandering attention and distracted mannerisms.  They have the energy to speak, but not to remain silent.  Talking requires much less effort than listening.

    Do not imitate them.  In the short term, they seem to dominate the group.  But in the long run, the verbose end up deleted.  Just because people have no choice but to hear you doesn’t mean they are persuaded.

    The goal is not to seal yourself into hermetic isolation, however.  There is a time to communicate what you think.  The monosyllabic sphinx is a tiresome companion too.  When people are sincerely interested in you, don’t weary them by making them guess what’s going on.  It’s on you to communicate in a coherent way.  But what thoughts are actually pouring forth from within you?

    For some, it’s perpetual dissatisfaction.  They can complain about anything, and they will.  If the temperature drops, they complain about the cold.  When it warms up, they complain about the heat.  If it rains, they complain about getting wet.  If it doesn’t, they complain on behalf of the parched vegetation. Keep your mouth shut? You wish you could tell them!

    Others spew malice.  They sidle up, masquerading as sociable.  Beware those who insinuate nasty things about people behind their backs, while attempting to draw you in with flattery.  As soon as you’re out of earshot, they’ll be hissing derogatory remarks about you too.  If you must comment on someone who’s absent, try to think of something positive to say.  Malicious gossips will learn to avoid you, because it repels them to hear others praised.

    Good words come from the good within you.  If only this were enough!  But the thing is that dishonesties characterize the social conventions of every society.  Cultures define themselves by the peculiar sorts of dissembling they require.  Figuring out what you’re not supposed to say is one of the biggest challenges of a foreign environment.  Some are so hateful that you live in fear of tripping a mine whenever you open your mouth.  You have to be careful about speaking the truth.

    It’s safest to refrain from asking questions.  But if you see someone making a potentially dangerous mistake, you must in good conscience speak out.  The other person will likely reject your advice.  Sometimes your intrusion will provoke such resentment that the chill will never thaw again.  But you’re not actually doing anything wrong, if you’re motivated by love.  It’s just that not everyone will want to hear it, even if you’ve got it right, even though you care.

    There are also, inevitably, moments of personal struggle, when you simply must express how you feel, whatever the consequences.  Every human being needs friends.  When another person hears and understands, there’s an enormous relief, quite apart from solving any problem.  Just remember that those who love you enough to listen also need support from you.  Listening is a mutual comfort.

    Sometimes in acute distress we lash out at the person closest to us.  This is human, but it’s also terribly unfair.  Pull yourself together and apologize.  Even in the most loving, most intimate relationships, you’ve got to maintain a proportion of courtesy.  Honesty, like vinegar, is unbearable on its own.  More oil than vinegar goes into a salad dressing, and the same is true for relationships, even close ones.  Try to balance your honesty with some balm for the feelings of the other person.

    Cherish those who care enough about you to listen.  And with strangers, keep your mouth shut.  You won’t get into trouble for what you don’t say.

     

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  • Trust And Obey

    The first step of humility is unhesitating obedience, which comes naturally to those who cherish Christ above all.…  [T]hey carry out the superior’s order as promptly as if the command came from God himself.…  This very obedience, however, will be acceptable to God and agreeable to men only if compliance with what is commanded is not cringing or sluggish or half-hearted.…  (Rule of St. Benedict 5.1-14)

    Sheer cussedness is not a Christian virtue, even if you are from Texas.  None of the translators feature “stubbornness” anywhere in the lists of fruits of the Spirit.  “Perseverance” comes close, but perseverance implies that you’re going in the right direction.  Going the other way just because it’s your way is called “perverse,” and that’s not in there either.

    If you can’t tell the difference between persevering and perverse, ask yourself when was the last time you were wrong.  If you can’t remember ever being wrong, or admitting it, you’ll belong in the short word crowd.

    Watch out, because perverse can slide into “perverted” when you reject all correction, on principle.  The day comes when even your instincts are destructive, and so are all your friends.  That population does not perceive that the impulse carrying them over the cliff is their own ill will.

    Rebellion gets attention, but rebellion for its own sake only tears down existing systems.  The perpetual objector doesn’t contribute anything positive.  At school, at home, at work, waiting in line and anywhere else, the person who just won’t do what anyone asks makes life tedious for everyone else.  The worst part of leadership, when you are the one in charge is dragging along the grudging trudger.

    All human authority rests on the authority of God (Romans 13:1-7).  Where a derivative power contradicts the sustaining source, we surely should question that rickety racket.  So do open your eyes, prick up your ears and wrinkle your nose before going along with anyone.  But on the other hand, you can’t expect to develop sensitivity to divine cues, which are spiritual, if you refuse to heed human instructions, which you understand just fine.  Obedience to human authority is a way of expressing obedience to God’s authority, when the one does not contradict the other.

    This is why the goal of the Christian cannot be to rebel and get away with it.  The Christian goal must be to establish a just society, so that there’s no moral dilemma opposing obedience to God and obedience to authority.  In all ordinary occasions of everyday action, obedience to intermediate authorities is the Christian default.  Not snide reluctance but willing participation is what we offer to those in positions of responsibility.  If you are habitually helpful, when a truly moral dilemma comes along, most authority figures will be well-disposed to listen to you.  Even tyrants run low on energy and resources.  They lean on the person they can count on.  Ten to one they would rather accommodate your objection on that day, since you frame it in a respectful way.

    And if they refuse to listen, you will be able to mount an effective protest only if you can work with other people.  Working with people always does end up requiring systems of authority, hierarchy and delegation, because perfect unanimity in all things is a divine quality, not a human one.  Deferring to each other is the closest we can get to harmony.

    Of course, the ultimate question is whether we can trust God, to want to obey him at all.  In order to trust someone’s leadership, you need to feel confident both in the goodness and in the competence of the person in charge.  God is good, but is he good enough?  It’s the longing for goodness–to find it somewhere in the mess, to retrieve whatever’s left of it from annihilation, to set it back on its feet–that keeps driving us to throw in our lot with someone who does not guarantee that we will not suffer.

    We do accomplish something.  It is worthwhile.  Risks are worth taking for a life worth living.

    Obedience is trust taking that risk.  We trust the God who created the universe to figure out how to fix it.  He has a plan.  No one else does.  Christ is the only one offering redemption.  He is the one who climbs into the rubble of the world to rescue those trapped in the wreckage of ruined lives.  We follow him into dangerous places because we trust him to lead us through death itself into eternal life.

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  • Human Reefs Need Saving Too

    Do not gratify the promptings of the flesh Galatians 5:16; hate the urgings of self-will.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 59-60)

    What is “the flesh”?

    “The flesh” is a Christian metaphor.  The struggle represented by “the flesh” consists of our efforts to do good and to reject evil.  It’s this vital spiritual struggle that builds the moral exoskeleton of formal behaviors that define right living.

    This spiritual struggle is not a fight against our own physical bodies.  Sexual desire isn’t evil, nor are the desires for food, warmth or sleep.  Desires only become “the flesh” when they impel wrong behavior.  “The flesh” tempts us to do things that would violate a command of God, if we yielded to the impulse.  For example, a struggle against an angry impulse to hurt someone is a struggle against “the flesh,” even though bodies may have nothing to do with it.

    The part of us that opposes “the flesh” is our conscience.  Your conscience informs you when you’ve breached a norm of your Creator.  It’s the spiritual organ that corresponds to your physical nervous system.  Just as your nerves react when you’ve injured yourself and produce a sensation of pain, your conscience reacts when you’ve incurred spiritual damage by doing wrong.  The feeling your conscience produces is called remorse.  Most importantly, remorse is meant to help you survive spiritually. Like physical pain, it indicates when and where you have a problem.

    Neither your body nor your soul will function if you numb them with substance abuse or perpetual escapism.  Your conscience will sicken if you bathe it in evil influences.  Temporarily you may feel relief if moral limits disappear from your habitat.  But soon the murky haze of a featureless landscape disorients your conscience, which continues to lash out at evil without knowing where evil is anymore.

    So those who seek holiness immersed in toxic waste shudder daily from the shocks of brutality let loose in their midst.  No stops remain to signal small aggressions.  Suddenly grotesque violence explodes without warning.

    What happens to communities when moral boundaries disappear?

    For generations the West has employed a blast fishing approach to material progress at the expense of spiritual infrastructure. Blast fishing uses dynamite to stun fish so quantities can be netted quickly. As a result, the blasts destroy the nearby coral and eliminate its reef habitat.

    The ban against idolatry was exploded to make room for the supersize ego.  Holy sabbaths crumbled in the vanguard of economic expansion.  Refraining from adultery blew up when personal bonds got in the way of individual satisfaction.  Of the Ten great commandments, not one remains sacred.

    To clarify: not all of the destruction is accidental.  A campaign to erase all formal boundaries has explicitly targeted moral restrictions.  Big players blast away at ethical barriers in the name of their personal freedom.  For large egos, freedom requires the total elimination of any hindrance.  Nor do they permit anyone else to live free.  All in their path must yield.

    Coral polyps are fleshy creatures that form exoskeletons to survive.  They take in colorful algae to farm for nutrients.  Coral communities create vast structures called reefs.  The intricate spaces of the reef formations provide shelter to fish and invertebrates seeking refuge from predators.  Large predators cannot penetrate the narrow fissures of the reef structure.

    Similarly, human beings are vital souls whose efforts to repel evil and cultivate goodness produce the formal systems that support a thriving culture.  Comedy, tragedy, eroticism and remorse all require fixed boundaries to exist.

    What happens when you take the bait?

    The sales pitch has been a promise to eradicate pain.  It is as a form of pain that remorse was slated for elimination.  The lure of numbness generates enormous profits as drugs and distractions achieve insensibility for all.  Millions too zoned out to react to their own destruction float into the nets of unscrupulous profiteers.

    No boundary: ergo no transgression.  No transgression: ergo, no guilt.  And without guilt, there can be no remorse.

    In this wasteland devoid of impeding structures, Homo neuroticus thrashes about. Anything and everything in the cloudy murk triggers a spasmodic reaction, inflicting harm on those nearby. Neuroticus used to be a rare breed and was called “crazy” in the vernacular.  Psychologists of a previous age had observed an association between neuroticus and remorse. But they didn’t have many specimens to analyze. Freudians assumed that neuroticus must be the offspring of remorse, since the two were often seen together.

    Neuroticus is insensitive to humor, grief and contrition.  It must contort itself to get a sexual thrill.  It expends furious energy to control everything in its environment.  But it cannot control itself.  Neuroticus experiences its own impulses as irresistible.  Its large ego prevents it from admitting that it could do anything wrong.  With no cultural reef of formal boundaries to limit its movements, neuroticus produces specimens with larger and larger egos.  No joke can survive in the shadow of neuroticus.  No sorrow throbs.  Mercy moves not.  These have all fled.

    But remorse is not the parent of neuroticus.  Remorse is its guide through the deep.  When you have a sense of where the boundaries are, you can direct your actions purposefully.

    Bring the reef back.  We could all laugh again.  We could weep again.  Real thrills could move us.  We could live again.

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  • Redemption

    Place your hope in God alone.  If you notice something good in yourself, give credit to God, not to yourself, but be certain that the evil you commit is always your own and yours to acknowledge. (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 41-43)

    Glaciers are receding, and at first the mountains they leave behind are as bare as the moon.  But up the stark cliffs the lichen first, then the wild sweet peas, then the alders grow.  Evergreen forests, moose and bear come to thrive on slopes relieved of eons of ice.  Grizzlies, bald eagles and salmon multiply, given a habitat and half a chance.  What about us, can we come back?

    It’s a spiritual ice age, these days.  Cool people tell us that we emerged randomly from nothing, will soon dissolve into nothing, and that no one cares anyway.  They say we’re helpless to control our own impulses; cannot alter our destructive habits; might as well yield to what’s killing us.  Give up and despair.  Do violence to yourself.  End it.

    But the Church holds onto the warmth of love and holds out for the thrill of life lived in harmony with our Creator.  The Christian hope is redemption.

    Redemption is a process, sometimes a slow one.  Glaciers and fingernails grow at about the same speed. So do souls.  But redemption is a transformation we willingly engage in.  We surrender the parts of ourselves that are mean or petty, that clash with the character of our Creator.  The God who formed the universe and who endows each tiny creature with its own particular beauty also called each one of us into being.  He wants to pull us back from the brink, but he gives us our freedom.  We participate willingly or not at all.

    First we must reconcile with the source of goodness, in order to develop goodness ourselves. Then we let our old identity die away even as a new identity forms within us. The new person gets up every day and struggles to do the right thing. It’s not a futile struggle. It’s the exertion of a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly. Every decision you make against evil, for good participates in your eternal formation. What you will be has not yet been revealed, but your new form will be glorious. Look around and observe glimpses of glory. God is always at work everywhere for good. Contemplate what he has already done.

    Right now you may feel slimy, constrained and exhausted. The effort is part of the process. You get stronger as you try. This is because you’re not just achieving an objective. You’re becoming someone. Morphing from one state of being to a new one, temporarily you have fewer powers, not more. The force of rage has dissipated, because you experience peace within. Your new movements may be awkward at first, but soon enough you’ll stretch wings and be flying. It’s a whole new experience of reality. No regrets for the dry husk left behind.

     

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  • Endure Persecution For The Sake Of Justice

    Endure persecution for the sake of justice (Matthew 5:10).  (RB 4. 33)

    Brace yourself.  To endure implies time, maybe a long time.  Persecution is not a one-off, an insult from a passing stranger, a violation of a specific right on a particular occasion.  Persecution involves systematic, sustained, deliberate attack, targeting you.  So we’re talking about a long ordeal with no end in sight.

    In such a time, when there’s nothing to see but darkness, we fix our eyes on our purpose, the thing we love more, the justice without which we’d have no reason to keep going even if things were easy.  This is justice in the large sense.  That is to say, righteousness.  Righteousness simply means doing the right thing.  If everyone did the right thing, justice would flourish everywhere.  There are many opportunities to exercise it, in any human life.  It’s the thing you do because it’s right, before you realize you’ll be punished for it.

    Perhaps you speak out honestly, and the person in authority doesn’t want to hear it.  Someone pulls you aside, talks down to you, and gives you to understand that you are not at the level of those who have interesting contributions to make.  You are at the level of those who shut up and listen.  Fall in line, and maybe you’ll get somewhere.

    So you try.  And you fail.  You have no knack for nonsense phrases.  You keep searching for a way to express the truth that will get someone to listen.  But there is none, not where you are.

    For example, when you walk through the door, no one sees you.  You greet them, but they don’t remember having met you.  They don’t seem to hear you when you speak.  You don’t exist for them, and nonexistence is a terrible strain.  It melts your whole sense of self.

    What’s wrong with you?  Why can’t you just get along?  What is it that prevents you from fitting in?

    It’s the element of righteousness within your character. The justice of God is embodied in you. It’s the stuff you’re made of.

    And so you pray, “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” because now you realize there’s a difference. Tension between earth and heaven is heating up. Where on earth is God’s will being done?

    Within you.

    God is truth, and the Spirit of Truth cannot abide lies, nor dwell within the liar. So you feel sick and sicker at hollow words you can no longer repeat. You can’t collude with what repels you.

    But when the heat is on, and the blows are hammering, something within you glows to life. Most surprisingly, the thing that should break you actually strengthens you. Your whole substance responds and alters. You don’t recognize yourself anymore, and neither do the people who know you. Sparks fly. You lose friends.

    It should not be so painful to do right. Hold out for the way things should be. Something in you does not belong in this world. Glow brighter. The darkness is very dark, and what you don’t see is that the only light in the room is emanating from you.

    You take the plunge to escape, because that’s the only path forward. When the steam clears, you’re still in one piece, but you feel defeated. You do have a future ahead of you, but it’s not the one you had planned. Not only your shape but your elemental structure has changed. Impurities are gone. Alloys are added. There’s no going back to what you were before. Not now, not ever.

    The One who is forging your character knows what he means to make of you, and your story isn’t over yet. Some day the form of you will find its function. You may still have further refinements to undergo. God will make your suffering count for justice.

     

     

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  • Love Your Enemies

    Love your enemies (Matthew 5:43-48; Luke 6: 27-35).  (RB 4. 31)

    Loving your enemies sounds like a nice idea until you actually have enemies yourself.

    An enemy is not merely someone with whom you disagree.  You can disagree with your friends passionately and perpetually.

    Nor is an enemy an opponent in a game.  An opponent recognizes the same rules you do.

    “Love does no wrong to a neighbor” (Romans 13:10), but your enemies will accuse you anyway, even if you haven’t done anything to harm them.  They insult and threaten you when you had no thought of interfering with them at all.  An enemy is someone who acts on the intent to wrong you.

    As Christians, if we must love our enemies, and if love does no wrong to a neighbor, we cannot ourselves be anyone’s enemy, can we?

    So the enemy is not our neighbor. . . .  Aha!

    Nope.  The parable of the Good Samaritan shows that we must be good neighbors to everyone, even longstanding enemies.

    Maybe we’ve misunderstood love.  God is love, but God is not our slave.  Neither are we enslaved to those we love. A Christian concept of love is essentially voluntary.  Love ends where coercion begins.

    Christian love does set aside the self-interest of the moment for the good of the other person.  But the good of the other person is not always what that person demands.  When someone wants something that is not good, you say no, for love’s sake.

    Love yields and sacrifices, but love is not suicidal.  God is the one who called you into being.  Therefore you must exist, and this may include resistance.

    We know that “the Lord disciplines those he loves” (Hebrews 12:6; Proverbs 3:12).  Therefore a Christian concept of love includes setting boundaries and enforcing standards.  Without wronging anyone, you can communicate that you find the insults offensive and the threats alarming.  Make sure your enemies realize how they’re affecting you.  Sometimes people don’t know that they’re hurting you.  It may be that your enemy is not a beast.

    So give the benefit of the doubt.  Make space.  Swim away.  There’s room enough in the ocean for both of you.

    If, after you’ve peaceably turned away from a fight, your enemy pursues you, intent on dominating you wherever you may be, it is time to enforce the principle at issue.  Whatever rule you enforce on your enemy must be one that you yourself are abiding by.  To govern your own behavior by the same standards that you apply to others is one aspect of loving your neighbor as yourself.  And the standard you try to live by was not invented by you.  For example: loving your enemy.

    Like animals, humans will usually decide it’s not worth the trouble of bothering you, once they discover that you’re peaceable when left alone but determined to defend yourself when attacked.  There are occasions when Christians are inspired by the Holy Spirit to set aside their right to self-defense, imitating Christ’s sacrifice.  But no human being has the authority to require someone else’s self-sacrifice.  And if you’re the only one standing between your enemy and someone weaker than yourself, love may require that you fight.

    There may come a time when your enemy is too big for you to handle alone.  In this situation, escape is what you should aim for.  Escape first, and then work on making new friends, so you’re not alone next time.  A cohesive group is unappealing to aggressors.  They’re looking for vulnerable singletons to pick off.

    If only this were the end of it.  We could take a break, go home, be safe.  But sometimes strangers are not the problem.  The enemy is someone close.  Does loving your enemy include suffering wrongs at the hands of the one you love?  These are deep waters, and murky.  Explain the situation to a kind stranger. There are times when it’s the stranger who is your friend.

    And then there’s the enemy who used to love you.  This is the one who will break your heart.  Why did this person despise your devotion and turn against you, treating you with contempt?  There’s nothing quite like the distress of loving the enemy who once was dear.  The world seethes with ex-spouses, ex-lovers and so many other exes who are now enemies.

    On an ordinary day without tragedy, loving any of them comes down to treating people well who do not reciprocate your efforts.  Converse cheerfully with complainers.  Keep calm during a hostile confrontation.  Patiently put up with irritations.  Kindly share with those who’ve been selfish.  Remain reliable even with those who are deceitful.  Retain self-control around those who’ve rejected discipline. Intercede for those who’ve wronged you.

    God himself promises to reward us if we behave well toward those who behave badly toward us.  Nothing anyone can say will ever make this easy, but the Holy Spirit can make it possible.

     

     

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  • Bear Injuries Patiently

    Do not repay one bad turn with another 1 Thessalonians 5:15; 1 Peter 3:9.  Do not injure anyone, but bear injuries patiently.  (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 29-30)

    First of all, bearing injuries patiently is not a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of goodness.  Only the strong bear up. Only the good restrain themselves when evil beckons, because evil is not their master.

    Secondly, this principle isn’t about defending yourself in the moment of attack.  You have the right to self-defense.  This is about the aftermath: now what? Why did God let a bad thing happen?

    Weak people fall apart and lash out at everyone around them as they disintegrate.  For a brief moment, they enjoy an experience of power: the power to destroy.  There’s something appealing about power, even when you know it’s fleeting, even when you know it’s hateful.  The Church calls this appeal the glamor of evil.  As Christians we reject it, along with Satan and all his works.

    On the other hand, strong people hold themselves together, hold on to what they know is good and hold out for what they know is right.  Sometimes they hang on by their fingernails.  As Christians this is the character we aspire to, and God knows it’s hard.  Sometimes the path leads straight up the face of a cliff.

    Why does God let bad things happen? You can be on the right path and still fall and get hurt.  Getting hurt doesn’t mean that God is against you.  It means that there’s an inherent risk to living at all.  You were thrust into existence without being consulted.  But now that you’re here, you’re free to venture your all for the good.  The promise of Christ is that ultimately your venture will pay off.  Death is not the end.

    People who have only this world to live for figure that nothing they do matters.  But the Christian message is that everything you do matters, even the tiny things.  For instance, even a small gesture of kindness counts in the sight of God.  He is always at work everywhere for good, and he invites you to participate in that work, wherever you are, whoever you are.

    But you are free to reject his offer.  You can rage against your Creator.  He allowed evil into this world, and now you can increase the sum of evil.

    However, know that if you choose for what is right and true and good, God is on your side, even if everything else in the universe is against you.  And he promises that the pain will last only as long as this life.  Moreover, you will emerge into peace for eternity.

    Meanwhile, there’s everything we have to face in this moment in time.  Sometimes we can’t understand why God does what he does.  Why does he hurt us?  Why make us stay in place in a corner with a cone around our necks?  We didn’t do anything wrong!  So heave a big sigh and wait: maybe something good will come along next.

    Don’t fret.  Don’t chew on your hurt and make it worse.  Instead, save your energy for the good you can do.  If the path before you is clear, and if you have the strength, get up every day and keep going.  Be patient.  Bear up.  There’s no quick fix to any killer problem, and you will encounter many problems along the way.

    Most importantly, when you’ve honestly done everything you can do, then stand firm and wait for God himself to act on your behalf. If you can’t stand up anymore, sit down.  If even sitting up is too much, lie still and be who you are where you are.  There’s a time to let people who love you take care of you. You’re not alone in this.  Fix sad eyes on your Maker.  Remain alert to his call.

    An injury can happen in an instant.  The healing takes a long, long time.  It saps all the strength you’ve got. Why does God let bad things happen?

    We don’t understand why yet. Healing is your job now.  We want you back.

     

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  • Drink Moderately

    Everyone has his own gift from God, one this and another that 1 Corinthians 7:7.  It is, therefore, with some uneasiness that we specify the amount of food and drink for others.  However, with due regard for the infirmities of the sick, we believe that a half bottle of wine a day is sufficient for each.  But those to whom God gives the strength to abstain must know that they will earn their own reward. . . . in any case, take great care lest excess or drunkenness creep in. . . . let us at least agree to drink moderately, and not to the point of excess, for wine makes even wise men go astray Sirach 19:2.  (RB 40.1-7)

    The thing to realize about alcohol is that only other people consume too much of it.  However, if you end the night with your face in the toilet, you’re the one who might have a problem.  If you weren’t already sick before the party, there’s nothing wrong with the tap water.  It’s not a virus if the kids don’t catch it.  Unless a dozen people were hospitalized, and you see them on the news, it’s not food poisoning.  Maybe you just drank too much.

    You weren’t drunk.  Not even clumsy.  You didn’t do or say anything you regret: that’s good.  But you still absorbed too much alcohol.   The goal would be to take in less next time.

    Moderation does not mean remaining faithful for the night to one drink with a name.  Drinks with names betray you.

    The easiest way to consume less is to shun hard liquor and stick with wine or beer.  But if you’re the sort of person who can drink wine quickly, or if you have a talent for swallowing large quantities of beer, you might still have a problem.  You may just have to be the person who goes to the bar and orders soda.  If you ask for club soda with lime discreetly, your friends might think you’re drinking gin and tonic.  It’ll be sort of like wearing a hair shirt beneath your clothes, back in the days of the monks.  And God, who sees what you do in secret will reward you Matthew 6:16-18.  Just say your prayers well before the party.

    But will your friends let you refrain?  If the whole basis of the relationship is alcohol, you might face a more difficult challenge.  You may need new friends.  This is a daunting prospect for anyone, but ask yourself this question: do you like them when you’re sober?  Because if you need to drink in order to tolerate your own friends, then you don’t have very good ones.  Better people are out there somewhere, but you won’t find them unless you go looking, and you won’t have time to go looking unless you walk away from the others.

    Don’t drink and drive, but don’t drink alone either.  For parents, drinking alone includes those times when you’re the sole adult in charge of small children.  As they get older this is less of an issue, because they’re less dependent on you.  But the mother at home alone should not be drinking alcohol.  I’m not talking about pouring yourself a drink while you’re cooking dinner, and your husband is on the way home from work.  I’m talking about the times when no one is on the way home.

    Take a bath.  You can always jump out of the bath in a crisis and still be functional.

    Take a walk around the block.  Remove yourself from the sound of shrieking.  What you need is a moment of quiet, not a drink.  By the time they figure out you’re gone, you’ll be back, feeling slightly more human for having uttered a wild and forlorn prayer for help.  Remember that babies can’t harm themselves by screaming, but you can harm them if you lose control.  Put the baby into the crib and walk away for half an hour.

    Whatever is wrong, drinking alone will just make it worse.  Ask for help.  You never know when an old friend might point you in  a new direction.

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  • Help The Troubled

    You must relieve the lot of the poor, clothe the naked, visit the sick (Matthew 25:36), and bury the dead. Go to help the troubled and console the sorrowing. (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 14-19)

    There’s all the trouble in the world, and there’s what you can do about it.

    Not much.

    You don’t know the name of the neighbor who suns himself on his back steps in the cool of the morning in his briefs, but you’ve seen him up close once. He was nearly naked and mostly drunk then too. You let him know his fence was on fire, and he did get up to throw some water on it, not another cigarette butt, so you probably don’t need to worry about him. That was the fence on his other side: not your problem. Lower the shades so the kids don’t get another visual of the bulging briefs over breakfast.

    The friend down the street is going back to her maiden name after her husband left her on her own with two little girls. All you volunteered for was carpool, but she looked so worn out at the end of the week that you went back and handed her your lasagna. You made it from scratch: the meat filling, the ricotta layers, the tomato sauce. It took all afternoon to put together, and parting with it does still hurt some, but not as much as watching their lives splatter.

    You never even met the woman who signed up to teach Sunday school and then just didn’t show, for whatever reason. You thought you were going to be the aide, sucker. Shouldn’a been there. Here’s the roster: now it’s on you. A dozen innocent, willing faces are counting on you to explain the gap between earth and heaven.

    It’s a fine day for a picnic. Release your children into the park and let them run around while you listen to the regulars vent their grievances. They have everything the world has to offer, and no end of complaints. They’ve achieved the American Dream: a house inside the Loop, private schools, and two food allergies in every kitchen. They will rant as long as you will listen, but you’ve reached your outside limit. Time to hit the zoo and see some animals at feeding time.

    Funny how all the kids’ legs give out as soon as they pass the zoo exit. They can run for hours, but they limp, cramp, blister and drag their feet when you try to hurry them through marijuana plaza on the corner of Cambridge and Fannin. If you could make the light before someone hustles you for cash, you’d be at the Metro Rail station across from Hermann Hospital.

    Now there’s a wild sight: on the train platform, a girl wearing nothing but a hospital gown sits in one of the logo wheelchairs from a different hospital up the street. The I.V. line is still stuck in her vein, and the drip bag is still dangling from the rolling pole. Everyone else knows to walk around these impeding objects. Do you really have to stop and ask if she needs help?

    Turns out she doesn’t. Her boyfriend comes over when he sees you talking to her and tells you so. He’s been working out a lot lately, from the look of those muscles. His tattoos proclaim something you don’t have time to read, because he’s too edgy to stand still in one place for long. The vibe you get from him is rage. She looks like she’s about to slump out of the wheelchair, and she can barely nod her head: yes. When he circles back around, lights up a joint and hands it to her, she can still reach for it, though. Maybe you’re witnessing an exchange of loving devotion.  Or maybe he’s the one who put her in the hospital, and now he’s retrieving his property, along with a couple of items of equipment that they do not give away when they discharge patients.

    You stopped, so a bright, competent intern stops too. Yes, the boyfriend does look like an explosion about to happen. Yes, the escaped girl does look like a wreck. One of you keep an eye on him, and one of you put in a call to the hospital with the missing wheelchair and the absentee patient. Wait till half a dozen EMS guys his own size are carefully closing in. Someone with backup is talking him into letting her get lifted into an ambulance.

    Mom! What’s for dinner?

    Not lasagna, actually. Maybe scrounge night again. Be glad you have a dad who’s happy to see you when he comes home.

    Fall into bed. You’ve done what you could. It’s all a human being can do. Let God spell you on holding the universe together.

    Domestic Violence Hotline U.S.A.

     

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  • Curb Your Urge

    For this reason Scripture warns us, Pursue not your lusts Sirach 18:30.  (Rule of St. Benedict 7.25)

    We live in a culture where it’s supposed to be fun to let yourself go.  People announce that they’re about to let themselves go, and then they do it.  Not only do they not feel shame: they expect you to pat them on the back.  Most of the time they act with good humor, and with no thought of harming themselves or anyone else.  The binge is benign these days.

    Until it’s not.  The fact is that we have countless people who are suffering the tragic consequences of their own impulses–or worse, of someone else’s.  Some of them refuse to admit responsibility.  But others are discouraged, because they’ve tried and failed to change.

    Self-control is not an instant thing.  It’s the work of a lifetime.  It’s the practice of a life well-lived.

    If you want to be an athlete or an artist or any sort of skilled worker, you start at the beginning and practice basic moves first.  Checking your own impulse is one of the most basic moves of all.  It’s an element of any future action.  It’s not just that refraining from one action frees up time and energy for an alternative.  Curbing your impulse also builds strength and skill.  These in turn open up new possibilities that would otherwise have remained out of reach.

    A century of Freudian psychology has led us to assume that checking an impulse means repressing desire.  When you repress a desire, you don’t act on it, but it comes out in some other, weird way that you don’t control and that you may not even be aware of.  So you might as well let yourself go.

    Suffering the consequences?  That’s someone else’s specialty.  Next, please.

    The difference between self-control and repression is that self-control does not suppress desire.  Self-control nurtures and trains desire.  While the binge lets desire loose, without regard for other people, self-control keeps desire on a leash and exercises it with consideration for others.

    The lure of the binge is easy pleasure fast.  But the thrill tends to decrease with repetition.  You work harder to get less.  And you suffer the side effects.  With self-control, on the other hand, you start small, but the enjoyment increases with practice.  And the horizons are infinite.

    The best the binge can claim is not to have harmed anyone else.  But self-control allows you to do good to others actively.

    People who can’t control their impulses only get along with others who want to do the same thing at the same time in the same way.  When a whole collection of individuals are all out of control together, they meld into a mob.  The mob tramples any divergent individual.  But then the frenzy burns out, and the mob disperses.  The same individuals go back to competing ruthlessly against each other.  They separate, each alone with an ungoverned desire.  The endpoint is a life without any relationships at all: just interactions that serve the appetite.

    But self-control allows you to live in community.  Christian community aims not to meld but to harmonize individual desires.  It’s a complex challenge, but by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, we do make a life together.  This calls for active participation on the part of each one, rather than a passive letting go.

    Life in a family is a training ground for harmony.  Baby learns to sleep at night long enough for Mom to get the rest she needs.  Baby learns to go for longer without eating, so that eventually the child’s habits match the habits of the family.  In practice this effort takes years, and every time a new baby arrives, another individual process is thrown into the mix.  Easy is not part of the deal.

    But the endpoint is paradise, which Jesus describes as a banquet Matthew 22:1-14; 25:1-13.  A banquet is a fancy dinner where people dress their best, eat together and enjoy each other’s company.  When you have a family sitting down to a meal together, you have a foretaste of heaven.  The food may be simple.  The clamor around your table may not sound divine.  But consider what you’ve achieved: you’ve taken human beings from a state of chaos to a state of sociability.  Even if it’s not yet heaven, it is the foundation of civil society, and that’s something no one should take for granted.

    Ultimately: heaven.  Here and now: a functioning society.  Earliest of all: a family meal.  But it all begins with harmonizing individual impulses.  And so, each one of us must achieve a measure of self-control.

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