As often as anything important is to be done in the monastery, the abbot shall call the whole community together and himself explain what the business is; and after hearing the advice of the brothers, let him ponder it and follow what he judges the wiser course. The reason why we have said all should be called for counsel is that the Lord often reveals what is better to the younger. (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 1-3)
You have a dream of a regular dinner time. The whole family gathers together and discusses all sorts of interesting things. Children express their opinions freely but respectfully. The assertive ones voluntarily fall silent and listen as the less cogent ones share their thoughts. Lively debate ensues and does not degenerate into a ping pong of opposing assertions. No one goes off on a rant. You pay attention to them all and praise each one for saying something sensible or insightful. Your spouse asks for your opinion. You arrive together at a decision that takes everyone’s wishes into account and that all adhere to with good humor.
And then you wake up and realize you’re still in the madhouse. Some of them don’t speak at all: they just scream and scream at the precise pitch to unravel all your nerves. They can’t understand anything you say, and they want it all now. They stick their fingers into electric pencil sharpeners and throw themselves in front of moving vehicles and spread five pounds of flour across the kitchen floor daily.
When you’ve wrestled away the paring knives clenched in each small fist and extinguished the flames from the cardboard waffle box set on “toast” in your oven, you may feel that your own mind is teetering on the brink. The teaspoons seem to be disappearing, but you’re afraid to tell anyone, because it sounds–well, crazy. When you catch your son stashing them in the air vent, you’re so relieved not to be insane after all that you don’t even mind the pilfering he’s been doing.
Your only chance is to outwit them. You must become cunning. Offer them two choices, either one of which is acceptable to you, and let them decide. Guess what they’re going to do next and get there first. If it can cross your mind–no matter how bizarre a thought it is–it can cross their minds too, but they will actually do it.
It’s easier to redirect them than to halt their motion. So when you forbid them one action, make sure to tell them what they are allowed to do instead. They can be happy for thirty minutes just running around in circles. After all, they don’t need good reasons, do they? They just need suggestions that channel their impulses in a way you can live with.
Negotiate. If it’s terribly important to them but just a matter of preference for you, let them have their way. Save your energy for the essential things.
And take the time to communicate with your spouse. Just because you had a hard day doesn’t mean the other person had it easy. There are wrong times for dumping a to-do list on the other working adult in the household:
1) Before your spouse is even out of bed in the morning.
2) After the lights are off at night.
3) As soon as your spouse walks through the front door.
4) When he or she is in the middle of getting a necessary task done.
Beware of DDS (Domestic Drone Syndrome): when you can’t remember the last time you said anything to your spouse that didn’t involve a chore. Try a heartfelt, positive comment once in a while. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and laugh together.
Most important: let’s try our best not to blame our spouses when things go wrong. Life can be hard. Sometimes it’s scary too. It’s not the fault of the person you married.
