Browsing category: Chapter 3-Taking Counsel

  • Contend Courteously

    The brothers, for their part, are to express their opinions with all humility, and not presume to defend their own views obstinately.…In the monastery no one is to follow his own heart’s desire.… (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 4-8)

    Sure, you have freedom of expression.  But is it going to be the expression of a war zone?  Because there’s another option.  You can choose to approach your messy zone as a construction site.  It’s true that injuries can still occur on construction sites, but the goal is to build something.  On the other hand, victories can be won on battlefields, but the devastated area remains uninhabitable afterwards for years.  Will you be a destroyer or a builder?

    You’re your own person.  But when you got married, you chose interdependence.  Does your pursuit of your goal disrupt your household?  Is your personal ambition undermining your family’s team spirit?  Is the thing you want placing an undue burden on everyone else?

    These are tricky questions.  Your self-assessment may be at odds with your spouse’s.  Maybe the two of you should figure that out first.

    It could be that there’s nothing antisocial about how you’re spending your time.  Maybe it’s the way you express yourself verbally that’s the problem.  Be polite, even to the person you sleep with.  Courtesy is the thing that counts.  Listen first, then speak.

    And be honest.

    How can you be both honest and polite?

    Only with a sense of humor.

    The goal is harmony.  For this, you need the grace of God.  But it also helps to check in with each other on a regular basis.  You can avoid a lot of conflicts if you anticipate difficulties and discuss them ahead of time, instead of always playing catch-up to poor communication.

    Remember that it’s on you to explain what you expect.  The marriage vow does not bestow psychic powers on your spouse.  Only you can figure out what is going through your own mind.  So, the more complicated it is, the more time you’re going to have to give it.

    Don’t assume that the underlying problem is that you are right, while the other person is wrong.  Maybe the other person knows you’re right but is tired of hearing you repeat it. Try a different approach: humor. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and have a laugh together.

     

     

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  • Communicate Artfully

    As often as anything important is to be done in the monastery, the abbot shall call the whole community together and himself explain what the business is; and after hearing the advice of the brothers, let him ponder it and follow what he judges the wiser course.  The reason why we have said all should be called for counsel is that the Lord often reveals what is better to the younger. (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 1-3)

    You have a dream of a regular dinner time.  The whole family gathers together and discusses all sorts of interesting things.  Children express their opinions freely but respectfully.  The assertive ones voluntarily fall silent and listen as the less cogent ones share their thoughts.  Lively debate ensues and does not degenerate into a ping pong of opposing assertions.  No one goes off on a rant.  You pay attention to them all and praise each one for saying something sensible or insightful.  Your spouse asks for your opinion.  You arrive together at a decision that takes everyone’s wishes into account and that all adhere to with good humor.

    And then you wake up and realize you’re still in the madhouse.  Some of them don’t speak at all: they just scream and scream at the precise pitch to unravel all your nerves.  They can’t understand anything you say, and they want it all now.  They stick their fingers into electric pencil sharpeners and throw themselves in front of moving vehicles and spread five pounds of flour across the kitchen floor daily.

    When you’ve wrestled away the paring knives clenched in each small fist and extinguished the flames from the cardboard waffle box set on “toast” in your oven, you may feel that your own mind is teetering on the brink.  The teaspoons seem to be disappearing, but you’re afraid to tell anyone, because it sounds–well, crazy.  When you catch your son stashing them in the air vent, you’re so relieved not to be insane after all that you don’t even mind the pilfering he’s been doing.

    Your only chance is to outwit them. You must become cunning. Offer them two choices, either one of which is acceptable to you, and let them decide. Guess what they’re going to do next and get there first. If it can cross your mind–no matter how bizarre a thought it is–it can cross their minds too, but they will actually do it.

    It’s easier to redirect them than to halt their motion. So when you forbid them one action, make sure to tell them what they are allowed to do instead. They can be happy for thirty minutes just running around in circles. After all, they don’t need good reasons, do they? They just need suggestions that channel their impulses in a way you can live with.

    Negotiate. If it’s terribly important to them but just a matter of preference for you, let them have their way. Save your energy for the essential things.

    And take the time to communicate with your spouse. Just because you had a hard day doesn’t mean the other person had it easy.  There are wrong times for dumping a to-do list on the other working adult in the household:

    1) Before your spouse is even out of bed in the morning.

    2) After the lights are off at night.

    3) As soon as your spouse walks through the front door.

    4) When he or she is in the middle of getting a necessary task done.

    Beware of DDS (Domestic Drone Syndrome): when you can’t remember the last time you said anything to your spouse that didn’t involve a chore.  Try a heartfelt, positive comment once in a while. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and laugh together.

    Most important: let’s try our best not to blame our spouses when things go wrong.  Life can be hard. Sometimes it’s scary too.  It’s not the fault of the person you married.

     

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